Sunday, October 2, 2011

Behold, the power of Elmo

This morning, as Elmo came on, Emily walked over to the couch that is Emily sized and sat down, eyes never leaving the screen. Then she gets up and walks closer and closer to the television. It was the same way with Maggie when she was young. Elmo is meant for kids. It drives adults crazy but it isn't meant for us. We have the televison on in the morning on PBS and Sprout, the PBS cable channel in the evening.

I decided that I would not subject my children to adult television because it is not worth the hassle to explain adult situations at this point. I also see nothing valuable about exposing them to silly people acting stupidly, from the commercials to the sitcoms. We normally limit the television watching to sports like football and golf, and Discovery Channel's Mike Rowe, and the Nova's and Wonders of the Universe's in the house. At least, that is my thoughts on it. I used to watch the food network, but it is worthless now, full of crappy "reality-type" drama driven shows. I hate that kind of stuff. I try to learn things from watching TV. Sports are the exception to that rule.

So the TV watching in the house is dictated most of the time by the youngest. Not that we put on what they want to watch, no, it is not that. It is just that we are mindful of the smallest eyes in the house (other than the cat of course) and think about it. Call me snooty or whatever, I don't care. I also limited the princess items in the household while MM was young but now I have given in. It was horrific how early the marketing begins and Sesame Street is not exempt from that either. I guess it is being mindful of that.... because we changed out the princess for the Elmo when she was young... but it is still consumerism. I look back now and realize that is what happened. It is hard not to fall into the trap.

So now as the morning progresses, we'll turn off the TV. After Calliou.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Mornings are not a four letter word

This morning I am enjoying my coffee because tomorrow morning will be hellish. Maggie's party will be fun but there are things to get ready for the party. So I have to make some things happen. Last night I ate too much and now I have a grease hangover and my liver was pissed at me for it and kept me up. I am annoyed and so to piss it off even more I took some Vicodin this morning to help with back pain which will make me sweat like a banshee. Just like pretty much every thing is causing me to sweat. Sugar and white flour... it is amazing.

I just hope that people will be coming to her party and that it will be fun. I am hoping. I have a LOT to get done today and tomorrow. argh.

I wish I had my new place to make this happen. Not yet. Soon. The next parties will be at our house. I am so glad for that.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Change and Loss

I was looking at a wasp nest today. I saw the wasps busy building their nest, laying eggs, caring for the grubs and doing whatever it is that is needed to be done. I watched at a nice safe distance as my girl napped in her car seat. It is getting on the end of summer and I want to nest myself.

Right now I am working on getting my house ready to sell and trying to figure out how I am going to make it all happen so I can move into the house that is for me, a mix of perfection and longing. I wanted this house as soon as I saw it. It was so incredibly beautiful and it had all that I wanted. It has a few warts. I saw beyond the small issues and cosmetic items. I looked at the solidly built wonderfulness and knew that it was what we needed. I feel like I am getting ready to tidy my nest and move on. It seems like the end of summer brings the changes of life.

There is a rip in my heart right now as a friend has to suddenly go away. I am mourning the loss of her structure and her nest as a tragedy stripped her of her livelihood. I am sad for her and her children as they face new unknowns. I am concerned for her safety. I will miss her because I saw her daily for almost 5 years. She has helped me as much as I have helped her and our relationship is now moving on to another stage. I am sad for that, because I will miss seeing my friend. But she will always be my friend.

Sometimes I wonder whether we are all just like the wasps, building nests, creating our own lives and creating offspring where they will build nests. But I don't think wasps contemplate their existence. I don't think that wasps navel gaze. If they do not procreate and continue on, eventually the species would die out. But would they find a nice condo to buy and move to Boca for the winter?

Change happens. It always occurs. Every day. Small things make big differences in our lives. Little things we do make a difference in the outcome of our lives. How is it that I can be okay with knowing that and still not be okay with this change? It is the suddenness? No chance to prepare? The fact that Em will not have the same kind of experience that MM did? It makes me want to cry and rail against God for causing these kinds of tragedies in our lives.

I have always thought that things happen for a reason though I do not know the reason behind why things happen. I have to trust and have faith that it will be okay and that God will watch out and take care of my friend and her children. Crisis can make us stronger.

Well, this house isn't going to fix up itself. I should get to work.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Well So Much For That....

Yeah the whole posting with Children thing does not work well for me. How long has it been? a month? Two? I cannot seem to find the time to write, yet this morning I am compelled to at least find some times to scrawl things down.

It is dark, quiet, and my little world sleeps other than the cat demanding that her hunger be put to rest, then she rails on after I put the food down about something else, jumps into my lap while I sit at the computer and write and then goes on to try to wake up other people as well. Hush little girl! There is a small candle lit at the table, flickering at the air conditioner's hum. There is a warm cup of tea waiting for me at my elbow. I just heard the quiet snort of my husband in the bedroom. I thought it was his rumblings that kept me awake, but it was my own body.

Ever since my gallbladder was removed, I cannot ingest large quantities of alcohol, fats or medication without my liver giving me grief in the form of keeping me up at night. It is as if it wants me to share in the joy and misery of ridding my body of toxins and last night was not helpful for it. A glass of red wine, the wrong item served to me with a spicy red sauce with bacon in it... it was tasty and a vicodin chaser at night due to back pain. It all leads up to me rolling over and over, cursing softly at my husband for snoring and "keeping me up" but in fact it is my own misery that does so.

That's ok. I am starting something new in September and we will see how it goes. Perhaps I can dial it back so that perhaps I can enjoy just one glass of wine... and yes, I realize that taking a pill not long after wine is really not a good idea. I dream of smaller clothes that do not look like tents.

The sun is finally turning the world gray in its quest to rise. The neighborhood is coming to light around me, the neighborhood I despise right now. I feel like the house worked for me before, but now we are bursting at the seams with stuff and clothes and toys and kitchen paraphernalia. My eyes are set on a new house not far from here. I put down a deposit on it and now we are working hard to sell ours.

But the working hard part is the issue. We are spending money on it, but not putting the sweat equity and labor into it. It is as if we are both saying, you first without saying it. I rented a storage box, but have yet to open and put the boxes that I have had done for some time into it. That will come with time. I should be doing a box a day. 30 minutes a day and I scoff. It sounds great on paper and in my counselor's office, but just like writing, finding the time...

So I am taking Monday off of work to do the inspection on the house I want to buy and to look at the stuff in the living room. My plan is to leave the items they play with the most, books, blocks, and a few annoying electronic things and box up the rest so that we can get a handle on the stuff factor. Then we will move along with boxing up stuff. and then I get to pull off the wallpaper in the living room and prep the walls for paint. I am not sure what I will find. It looks ugly.

I still love this house but it feels like an albatross.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Right away

I have been procrastinating on doing a lot of things.

But I am working on a game plan to make it happen.

I keep thinking about something that I want to do and actually I want to do some more creative things. So I will work towards that.

And my game plan is coming together. It will work.

Happy days... are here again.

And I know that sounds cheesy.... but I am crawling out of a dark hole and into the light.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The abyss

I am in an abyss. It's a mental one. I see my girls and I hug them and I love them, but my happiness doesn't reach my soul. The desire to do is gone. I am existing. But I do not feel like I am doing.

The laundry, the dishes, the table only are cleared when it is necessary. I forget things. My world shrinks to work church and children. I am shocked at my lack of knowledge of things and then i just don't care.

I want it to be different. I just don't know what to do to make it better.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

How's that change working out?

Yeah, not so much... well blogging wise. I haven't posted since January. Looked down at my belly and the roll of skin and fat that hangs over the edge and I thought, I hope people do not think I am with child again, because that is sure as heck how it looks! I did the monument ave 10K with no training whatsoever and was positive I would keel over. But in fact I did the walk in about 2 hours which wasn't bad. Solid 20 minute miles. Now, granted, most people can walk faster than I can. I don't care. Year 4. Coming up on 5 years with the race for the cure and I am excited. Looking forward to that as well. Wish I could run. I still need to learn how. Job sucked for awhile. Now it doesn't. I have to do better and keep my eyes open for what it is I am really looking to do. I do NOT want to be in the same place after 20 years. UGH. But the challenge of what I do right now is enough for me and that is fine. This does not mean I am looking for a job. On the contrary, I am looking for my passion. Happy that the taxes are done, mind is swirling. I am cold and I should really go to bed. I think I will take my own advice. Until next time.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


Change for the most part is a good thing, even if you do not think that it is when you are in the middle of it. In thinking about it from a completely selfish perspective, the changes that I make to my life can affect other people, but I am concerned about my perspective here and no one else's. That may seem rude, but I am narrowing this focus.

My life changed for better or worse when I married a man stricken with cancer while I was in my 20's. His death was incredibly tough to handle and I shut down for a year or so. I went back to school and before I graduated, had a crisis and never finished. The pictures of me walking mock me along with my moldy MA cape and empty degree folder.

Now I am married again, with 2 children, and finding myself shutting down again. Not sure which direction to go, what I really should be doing, but I am unsatisfied with what is going on in my life. Not with my marriage, or my children, but the purpose beyond that. I am unsatisfied with the position I find myself in and I want to change.

I want to make a difference in my health, for my children's sake. I am too tired and I need my body to be there for me as I age. I'm too fat and I don't exercise. I haven't been eating well for about 4 years with bursts of activity/unchanged habits. Something has to change. The other day my baby belly showed it's ugly self when I rolled over on my side and there was a huge slab of flesh that followed the laws of gravity. it's been 7 months since my child has been born. Something has to change.

So I started with buying fresh fruit and vegetables. I carried yogurt and bananas into work. I eat when I am hungry and try to eat things that are better. I am not there yet. The siren song of sweet litle donuts are too hard to resist, but all things in moderation.

The morning after the belly thing I laid down on the bed after my shower and I did 60 crunches. it took about 2 minutes. I did 30 minutes on the Wii. The burn of lactic acid the next day made me smile rather than wince. I wanted to make it happen.

But when I came home last night at 9:30 from a meeting, I found my husband hooked into a TV show and I didn't exercise. I sat and decompressed. I thought about the next day and mentally pulled out clothes and got my morning ready. The baby was up a lot last night and so was I. I slept in until 7:15 and started the morning whirl. I was up last night thinking about change and how I could make a difference.

So here is my thought.... I am going to try to post my changes, my Wii time, my thoughts here as I work towards a goal of changing to be healthier. I weigh 240 pounds. I am currently in a size 20/22 (2X) and I am ready to make a change for the future. I was hoping that this will help me as another vehicle for change. I think I am ready. And along the way, maybe I can find out what it is I am really supposed to be doing with my life.

The journey starts today.