Monday, August 22, 2011

Change and Loss

I was looking at a wasp nest today. I saw the wasps busy building their nest, laying eggs, caring for the grubs and doing whatever it is that is needed to be done. I watched at a nice safe distance as my girl napped in her car seat. It is getting on the end of summer and I want to nest myself.

Right now I am working on getting my house ready to sell and trying to figure out how I am going to make it all happen so I can move into the house that is for me, a mix of perfection and longing. I wanted this house as soon as I saw it. It was so incredibly beautiful and it had all that I wanted. It has a few warts. I saw beyond the small issues and cosmetic items. I looked at the solidly built wonderfulness and knew that it was what we needed. I feel like I am getting ready to tidy my nest and move on. It seems like the end of summer brings the changes of life.

There is a rip in my heart right now as a friend has to suddenly go away. I am mourning the loss of her structure and her nest as a tragedy stripped her of her livelihood. I am sad for her and her children as they face new unknowns. I am concerned for her safety. I will miss her because I saw her daily for almost 5 years. She has helped me as much as I have helped her and our relationship is now moving on to another stage. I am sad for that, because I will miss seeing my friend. But she will always be my friend.

Sometimes I wonder whether we are all just like the wasps, building nests, creating our own lives and creating offspring where they will build nests. But I don't think wasps contemplate their existence. I don't think that wasps navel gaze. If they do not procreate and continue on, eventually the species would die out. But would they find a nice condo to buy and move to Boca for the winter?

Change happens. It always occurs. Every day. Small things make big differences in our lives. Little things we do make a difference in the outcome of our lives. How is it that I can be okay with knowing that and still not be okay with this change? It is the suddenness? No chance to prepare? The fact that Em will not have the same kind of experience that MM did? It makes me want to cry and rail against God for causing these kinds of tragedies in our lives.

I have always thought that things happen for a reason though I do not know the reason behind why things happen. I have to trust and have faith that it will be okay and that God will watch out and take care of my friend and her children. Crisis can make us stronger.

Well, this house isn't going to fix up itself. I should get to work.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Well So Much For That....

Yeah the whole posting with Children thing does not work well for me. How long has it been? a month? Two? I cannot seem to find the time to write, yet this morning I am compelled to at least find some times to scrawl things down.

It is dark, quiet, and my little world sleeps other than the cat demanding that her hunger be put to rest, then she rails on after I put the food down about something else, jumps into my lap while I sit at the computer and write and then goes on to try to wake up other people as well. Hush little girl! There is a small candle lit at the table, flickering at the air conditioner's hum. There is a warm cup of tea waiting for me at my elbow. I just heard the quiet snort of my husband in the bedroom. I thought it was his rumblings that kept me awake, but it was my own body.

Ever since my gallbladder was removed, I cannot ingest large quantities of alcohol, fats or medication without my liver giving me grief in the form of keeping me up at night. It is as if it wants me to share in the joy and misery of ridding my body of toxins and last night was not helpful for it. A glass of red wine, the wrong item served to me with a spicy red sauce with bacon in it... it was tasty and a vicodin chaser at night due to back pain. It all leads up to me rolling over and over, cursing softly at my husband for snoring and "keeping me up" but in fact it is my own misery that does so.

That's ok. I am starting something new in September and we will see how it goes. Perhaps I can dial it back so that perhaps I can enjoy just one glass of wine... and yes, I realize that taking a pill not long after wine is really not a good idea. I dream of smaller clothes that do not look like tents.

The sun is finally turning the world gray in its quest to rise. The neighborhood is coming to light around me, the neighborhood I despise right now. I feel like the house worked for me before, but now we are bursting at the seams with stuff and clothes and toys and kitchen paraphernalia. My eyes are set on a new house not far from here. I put down a deposit on it and now we are working hard to sell ours.

But the working hard part is the issue. We are spending money on it, but not putting the sweat equity and labor into it. It is as if we are both saying, you first without saying it. I rented a storage box, but have yet to open and put the boxes that I have had done for some time into it. That will come with time. I should be doing a box a day. 30 minutes a day and I scoff. It sounds great on paper and in my counselor's office, but just like writing, finding the time...

So I am taking Monday off of work to do the inspection on the house I want to buy and to look at the stuff in the living room. My plan is to leave the items they play with the most, books, blocks, and a few annoying electronic things and box up the rest so that we can get a handle on the stuff factor. Then we will move along with boxing up stuff. and then I get to pull off the wallpaper in the living room and prep the walls for paint. I am not sure what I will find. It looks ugly.

I still love this house but it feels like an albatross.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Right away

I have been procrastinating on doing a lot of things.

But I am working on a game plan to make it happen.

I keep thinking about something that I want to do and actually I want to do some more creative things. So I will work towards that.

And my game plan is coming together. It will work.

Happy days... are here again.

And I know that sounds cheesy.... but I am crawling out of a dark hole and into the light.