Monday, August 22, 2011

Change and Loss

I was looking at a wasp nest today. I saw the wasps busy building their nest, laying eggs, caring for the grubs and doing whatever it is that is needed to be done. I watched at a nice safe distance as my girl napped in her car seat. It is getting on the end of summer and I want to nest myself.

Right now I am working on getting my house ready to sell and trying to figure out how I am going to make it all happen so I can move into the house that is for me, a mix of perfection and longing. I wanted this house as soon as I saw it. It was so incredibly beautiful and it had all that I wanted. It has a few warts. I saw beyond the small issues and cosmetic items. I looked at the solidly built wonderfulness and knew that it was what we needed. I feel like I am getting ready to tidy my nest and move on. It seems like the end of summer brings the changes of life.

There is a rip in my heart right now as a friend has to suddenly go away. I am mourning the loss of her structure and her nest as a tragedy stripped her of her livelihood. I am sad for her and her children as they face new unknowns. I am concerned for her safety. I will miss her because I saw her daily for almost 5 years. She has helped me as much as I have helped her and our relationship is now moving on to another stage. I am sad for that, because I will miss seeing my friend. But she will always be my friend.

Sometimes I wonder whether we are all just like the wasps, building nests, creating our own lives and creating offspring where they will build nests. But I don't think wasps contemplate their existence. I don't think that wasps navel gaze. If they do not procreate and continue on, eventually the species would die out. But would they find a nice condo to buy and move to Boca for the winter?

Change happens. It always occurs. Every day. Small things make big differences in our lives. Little things we do make a difference in the outcome of our lives. How is it that I can be okay with knowing that and still not be okay with this change? It is the suddenness? No chance to prepare? The fact that Em will not have the same kind of experience that MM did? It makes me want to cry and rail against God for causing these kinds of tragedies in our lives.

I have always thought that things happen for a reason though I do not know the reason behind why things happen. I have to trust and have faith that it will be okay and that God will watch out and take care of my friend and her children. Crisis can make us stronger.

Well, this house isn't going to fix up itself. I should get to work.

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