Saturday, July 21, 2012

Miss writing

I miss a lot of things.

One of these days I will get back into it. right now, the outside is calling me to work while it is quiet in the house.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Do you ever get the feeling...

That you are stuck in your worst nightmare and you cannot wake up?

That you are trapped in a cycle of fear and fat and cannot break free?

That the world around you is chaotic and crazy and you control nothing?

That there are days when crazy seems better and a straight jacket would be like getting a hug?

This seems to be one of those days... when I can barely get out of bed, can barely hang on, can barely make it through work, can barely keep myself from eating everything in sight, from ingesting make- it -all -go-away items (food, beverage or otherwise) and all i want to do is zone, play solitaire and stare out the window. Ignore the husband, the children, the bills, my health, my inertia. Ignore the weeds, the items on the counter, the silly little things that make me crazy...

The fact that I miss my animal companion whom I got right after Michael died. The fact that hearing Michael's funeral this weekend made me think of Michael all over again, 15 years gone, wound opens wide like a red raw gash in my heart. It takes me back to where I was before... alone, hopeless, in a very, very dark place. Very cold, and alone and unable to care for anything.

But it is just my mind that is there right now. I haven't completely gone off the deep end. Something holds me back from that precipice.

I really need to move on to a new way of thinking.

I want to break free.