Giving

I love to give. I like to find cool things for peole. It does not have to be for a special occasion, it can be just because I saw it and I thought of them. So now, at the height of the shopping season there are gifts everywhere waiting for wrapping paper. I am in the midst of wrapping presents to take to Ohio and to church and I really want them to be the right gift for the right reasons. I went for two angels at work angel from the angel tree and one angel at church. I love to find the right things. I love shopping.

I just looked at our finances and those are not so hot. I am not behind the eight ball by any means, but it will be close for a while before it gets better. With a new baby coming, I need to be extra careful. My resolution is to not spend a lot of money in the next 8 weeks and see if I can reign it in. We put in some major money in my car and I was extravagant with my husbannds presents. My shopping is a little crazy. And I have a things for vests right now, it seems. The shopaholic books are too close to home, especially when I found two pairs of the same pants I had purchased for MM and I didn't realized I had purchased it. That is not cool.

I just recently purged my closet and I told myself I would get things I really liked. But now I have 6 fleece or something like that vests. I have three more dressy vests. I had to go back and amend the list, because I thought of more. That is almost 10 vests. That is a little much.

So right now I am getting ready to take my girl to Ohio and leave my hubby here for a week. In that time period, I have to get all the things together to wrap. I have to organize, label and get things ready for my return. All I can say is: are you kidding? All this stuff? But I must take care of this and leave the house in some semblance of order for the husband. So I pulled out some cool items for the angel people and I have a few things that I can put away for another time. Right now I feel like all I want to do is sleep because it seems like too much work, but it will work out and be done. I just need a system to be organized. Somehow.

Bills are being paid

I just accomplished something major; I paid off a bill that I have had for many years. I paid it electronically and I am sure there will be some interest I may have to pay next month, but it will be paid. It is a major accomplishment for me and I was hoping that I would have some elation from it. It is a small victory when there are other bills that are mounting as well. I pay them, on time. I am by no means under water. I pay extra and things I buy on credit cards are paid off the same month. At this point, it is the amount that I buy that is the issue. that is another story for another day.

Thoughts

I was reading a post over at Skinny Therese about vocational choices and weight loss. I think that people definitely starve themselves of the things they love and compensate with food. And the food is never enough, the shopping is never enough, the (place your obsession here) is never enough. Why do we search for such things? What are we missing in life that causes these things to happen?

I remember getting really depressed seeing the housing divisions spring up in places where farmland used to be. I have always wanted a home, but seeing that housing spring up, those "little boxes made of ticky tacky" didn't seem like home to me and didn't seem like a good investment. There is a part of me that is wild and outlandish and wants to break free and sail away, to hell with everyone else. But, you can only do that once and you can't go back once you do those things. I am not a prodigal son, nor do I see being welcomed back with loving arms. I see them holding me at an arms length, wondering when I will cut and run again. So I ignore that part of me and focus on the solid dependable foundation of house and home, love and family and my comfort resides there. The wild and outlandish part of me is overpowered by safety and assurance. It bubbles occasionally, but rarely does it get its way. It is more rare now than ever.

The sky looks like snow though we are too far south and it is too warm for that. I keep thinking about the time I will spend in Ohio (It snows a lot there) and I love it there. No, I love my parents... where ever they are. I have a fondness for Ohio, but I feel like my parents raised me in cocoon of middle class, of books and music, thoughts and ideas. I felt so out of place with most of my class. It will be interesting to see what they all are like when I return next year for the reunion... with a 1 month old baby in tow. The kids in high school all were interested in partying and hooking up and all I wanted to do was get out. I knew the world was bigger than Rootstown. Not to say I didn't get a darn good education there, that is not my point... but I knew there was more, and I wanted to explore it. The wild and untamed side of me I guess. There are people who still live there and that is fine.

The neighborhood I am in now is solid working class and that is fine, but I sense this area is not right for us. We need to be elsewhere. The house will go on the market and we will find our spot... eventually. Still in the Richmond area... but I think a little more in tune with who we are and what we do. I like to garden and C likes his ham radio, so they have to be compatible with that. At this point, I know there is a house out there that is waiting to become our home. Somewhere.

For right now, there are more chores to be done, I have things to get rid of... I am purging. It feels good. The guilt of spending the money is there, but I am trying to purge that as well. Clean closet, clean mind.

Curses

Our sump pump as been going non stop for 3 days. We got a lot of rain, but not that much. Even then, the pump would cycle on and off. Well. I was getting very grumpy last night and said to my husband, just shut off the darn breaker. We couldn't find the breaker that shut it off (This was 1 in the morning, mind you). I asked him to try the main house breaker and that worked. We couldn't go through the night with out electricity so we flipped it back on and the sump rattled on again. While I was at church, he tested all the breakers, because you may miss something at one in the morning. None of them turned it off. Conclusion, pulled from the main line into the house.

Finally, my husband, C, had had enough. He donned a tyvek suit and crawled under the house. The line was tacked up to the underside of the floor, there was a j box and an outlet. There was the sump, plugged in with a cheater ground. So it was unplugged.

What kind of idiot:

• doesn't run the item through a breaker for safety purposes and ease of repair.
• hooks up a J box and an outlet for a piece of equipment that pumps water and uses a cheater grounding plug.
• puts a sump pump in where it cannot be reached?

While I shake my head at this mastery of crap that is this new found item in our "house of wonders/horrors" it makes me wonder what kind of mental midget lived here before we did. I will not buy another house like I did in the past, with blinders on and not seeing this type of stuff. My eyes are OPENED. There a lot of things like that in this house and I wonder how the heck are we going to repair the damage of the screw ups and sell it to get our money back out of the house. *sigh*

Well, pooh

I had such grandiose plans. I was going to go to the gym every week. I was going to go every day. What kind of fool am I?

My hips crave the exercise. I can feel the joggling. And yet, I do not go.

I guess my body is too busy creating life to worry about it, but my brain does.

I need to worry about that.

reformation day!

I get to give my temple talk today and I am ready.... I think. I just need to make sure that MM is not there, so she will not disturb. Daddy will remove her to junior church. Yay.

I am teaching Sunday School, and I am looking for my rythym. I have not found it yet.

Shower, breakfast and get rolling. I wonder what I can check off on my list today.

I was considering going to the Highland Games with MM but we will not have enough time. It is sad, but I think I will just take her to a local park. Much, much cheaper.

Happy Reformation Day.

Random thoughts for temple talk

The church has a firm foundation. Many years ago, a group of people decided there needed to be a church. They gave their time and committed money to make that happen. The church grew and the challenge of making the building grow with the church was needed and it again happened. The need for a second pastor was clear and again, the people of this congregation acted and we found a second pastor and made this happen. When we set our minds to it, this congregation can do anything.



As a member of the ELCA, we give to the ELCA in the form of benevolence to the Virginia synod. Benevolence means that the Synod sponsored events take place. We give so that events like Lost and Found can happen for the youth. What we give is received back multifold. We work together with other churches in this community. When we hold events like the Fall Festival and have Trunk or Treat and we see that the community benefits, our ministry resounds and echos in the Lakeside area. What we give is received back multifold.

right!

I have been not blogging, again, still slogging around on facenook, realizing it is a time waster and yet still not giving it up. I will eventually.

I just found out I have way too much vacation time to take and I wish that I could fly with MM anywhere, but that taskes time and money. So I will take some time off and try to do some fun things.

This morning I hear my husband talking to my daughter and it is a beautiful sound. NPR is in the background, but it is pledge time.

I miss writing. I will have to do it more.

randomness

I have been slothing around facebook, not exercising, not doing much of anything except watching MM grow. That in itself is edifying and I wish my temper were not so short. It just is sometimes. But the best part is that I haven't pigged out on food and I am losing a pound or two by not going crazy with the calories. I have my days.

I loaded my gym bag into the car... and i think about even just one day if I could get away from work or from home for an hour and a half to get in a decent workout...

My elbow is in regular pain now... just pain from typing and using the mouse. I did a cortisone shot and it worked immediately and wore off very quickly this time... it wasn't even 2 months.

My hips, the outer edges, have been aching... not where they meet at the femur, but up at the top... they ache.

My back has been ok but i had a brief episode yesterday.

I know that these would be eased if I were able to release some natural endorphines.

So I keep looking at my gym bag in the car... wondering if I will make it a priority in my life. If I can keep the eating under control, ad I start to exercise things will start to happen.

why yes I am still alive

and yes, i do plan to keep blogging.

More in a bit.

Sloth continues

They don't miss me at the gym. I do not miss the gym. I miss the time to focus on me... That is what i miss. Where I do not have to think about anyone but me... and I wonder why I have to do that in the gym and nowhere else. I am looking around me at the stuff and the clutter and I wonder how I am going to make that change and make it happen. I know what I want to do and want to be able to do. What is stopping me from following through and doing it? Does it seem so maddening and familiar? Is it the whole complete thing that gets me? Can I break it up into bite size pieces? What can I do to get this going?

Too long

I have been too long away and fighting myself on many levels. I am trying to find peace. It's difficult. I want to make a difference. I want to change things for the better. My work is great because I get to think right now... and that is a godsend.

new book

Evanovich, Finger Lickin' Fifteen.

*sigh*

I will be done with it in 3 hours, tops.

Headway?

Headway. Does sweating count while cleaning in a warm environment? Is that like hot yoga? I am comfortable with my lovely laundry room and I spent time there last night, time that I could have been "exercising" but I was working up a sweat. The shelves hold their items and I have more to put on the shelves. I am making headway in my house. There are still many things to do to get ready for summer, and I am halfway there. There is still a LOT to do. I guess I will not be going to the gym for a bit.

Saturday excitement!

Well, my list is made, and the hope is that it is a doable enough list so that I can really get something accomplished today. It involves a lot of cleaning and moving and such and I am really really hoping it will work. I am crossing my fingers. And then I will uncross them and get to work because it has less to do with luck and more to do with getting off my happy ass and doing it. Damn Nike and their "Just Do It!" slogan, but it the only way that things get done. You cannot expect to own a book, or a DVD or a weight set or a bowflex and expect it to magically melt fat off of you, make you feel better, or make you a happier, healthier person. It requires work.

I just found the peaches I bought more than a few days ago. They are quite ripe and a little past their prime. I salvaged what I could of them, and cut them up for this morning's breakfast. Now I just need to find my dining room table ... It is here somewhere under my laptop my papers and the list... guess I ought to add that to the list as well.

Sometimes

there isn't enough coffee. Sometimes you need donuts. or a hash brown. But you can remain tall and stand up and say no, that is not part of my goals. I will eat something better.

Let's see if I can do that this morning, and make a change for the better.

Exercise

Not cardio but I was sweating and working hard. Here's hoping it will mae a difference. All I am thinkingabout is rosemary foccacia... That is all that I want. YUM. Maybe I can make some tomorrow morning. Right now, I am wiped and going to bed.

Sunday

Well the day has started slow and I am okay with that. breakfast was turkey bacon and egg white and a half of a piece of raisin bread. MM ate the other half along with her piece. Two cups of Harrod's tea from Englad. YUM. I just got rid of my old kettle and got a new one. I hope someone can use the old one.

We are going to church and then to the store. Then home for a nap. I will be going to the gym later for some cardio... but I have a summer cold and breathing is, well, difficult. Hopefully I can get my nails done after that. The full moon is today.

sweating

when you sweat, does that mean that your body is working hard or that it is getting cooler? Or both? I did a lot of sweating and I am all salty. I cleaned out the attic, well, part of it. It seems I do not know how to stop shopping. It is a little crazy. I got all sweaty moving containers and boxes and luggin them down the stairs.

Then this morning, I held my yard sale and got all sweaty again when I set everything up and again when I took it all down and loaded it for goodwill. Most of it is gone, with the exception of a few things. But there are a lot of toys that are gone.

There are more things to go through, but that is enough for today. My body is still feeling the gym on Thursday. 1 hour of gym goodness. 20 min of cardio, the rest is cruches and a weight circuit. I will try to go tomorrow afternoon so that I can say i wen to the gym every other day for a week.

Food wise, I am trying to avoid sugar, and today I did not avoid fat, but sugar I was able to keep away. Hardee's Bacon Egg and Cheese biscuit. Muscle milk and 2 Kashi waffles for lunch. I have no idea what dinner will bring. Looking for protein, low fat, high fiber. Of course, I would kill for a banana milkshake. or banana ice cream. I think instead I will have a banana. Of course, I could have a milkshake, with frozen bananas and milk.... hmm...

life gets in the way...

of plans sometimes. You plan to do this, do that, clean more, jog more, be nicer, do things for other people. But then something happens to get you out on another direction, a diversion from your best laid plan, and your train of thought gets derailed. Just like a derailment, it is not always easy to get back on the track. Lots of energy and focus.

I watched Groundhog Day the other day, and I really enjoyed the transformation of Phil Conners; he truly made a difference in people's lives and was redeemed.

My daughter is playing peek-a-boo behind the laptop. Time to pay attention.

derailed plans

it is often how things work isn't it? Instead of a night of working out and sweating, it was a night of eating instead. My brother ordered pizza and he asked me to watch his children for a bit because there was a lapse of time from the time of one parent getting home to another. And just like that, the plans to burn 500 calories became the consumption of 1000.

Did I come home and work out? Nope. The consumption of calories overloaded my system and I was a mess. I did, rather, chug some Maalox. Darn pepperoni.

Sitting all day

and eating all day. This has got to stop!

the difference is WHAT I eat. But I have to stop that habit, too. It is not a good habit to have. I will switch to tic tacs, 94% fat free popcorn, rice cakes. And perhaps I can break the habit. Somehow. I find if I drink more water I do better. I willl have to bring in another Nalgene type bottle to work.

Most of the day I felt sick... Eating too much... and too much junk.

Gym day tomorrow. Hooray!

Monday Morning

Well, on the exercise front I did do a 10K walk this weekend. I am sure my caloric content was not in line with it, but it was the weekend, especially since I ate this wonderful pasta, sauce and corn for lunch Sunday. Wolf wolf wolf, and it was gone.

I am looking forward to this week and I am working through lunch today.

Sigh... I keep hoping that it will work, but nothing is working for me at all..... because I cannot seem to stick to anything. I am just roiling around like a blind snake looking for a cure. And there is no cure. All there is is WORK.

Physical labor

Most people who do physical labor do not need to go to the gym. I am a desk jockey, except for today, when I was cleaning two cubicles of files. They are in order now... from 80000 to 87000. They weren't all there, but by the end of the day it felt like it. Numbers are easy when you have a system. I definitely have a system. It helped that the person before me, first, put most of them in order. That really helped. Second, I was able to stack them by number and then order those numbers. Paper files, some 2 inches thick made for a tough time and a definite workout on the arms. Halfway through the day I started getting sore from my workout at the gym the day before. I may lift on friday but I am doing a 10K on Saturday. Straight up walking, pushing a stroller through downtown Richmond.

Those who do physical labor are to be commended. it is hard work. I used to do it years ago. I am not afraid to do it and so I do it. It was tackled and overcome, especially with the knowledge that we will be moving these files out of the cubicles by FRIDAY and they may as well be straight to make packing and moving easier. I will dress down again tomorrow.

I relish the opportunity to think about the process of how we do it and come up with some ideas. we have the need to keep files from their date of last use, not the date they were closed out of the system. eesh. It will take some doing to figure it out.

Meanwhile, on the homefront, tomorrow is my hubby's birthday and we are going out to dinner, just the two of us. Shocking. We might have to find a place with cloth napkins... :)

Prop 8 thoughts

I like being married. It is nice. My partner is my husband. I could call him my partner, but I call him my husband. When you are married, you get a tax break. Grown men and women who are living together in an intentional community with each other, who share heartaches and headaches and live their lives and pay their taxes do not get the same benefits. They do NOT get the same tax breaks. It is taxation without representation. Imagine saying to people, hey you, over there. You can take the tax credit for owning a house. You people? You cannot.

It is not my position to speak on moral questions. I have no moral questions about marriage. I am confident in my marriage. God is the one who will sort it all out in the end. Adam and Eve, Adam and Steve. Does not matter to me. Does it provide a "slippery slope"? Did interracial marriage do that?

We spend way too much time on things that really do not matter in the vast scheme of things.
In a world of 6 billion people, does it really matter? You may think it is a moral outrage, but how does it affect other people, that two private citizens who are of age decide to make vow that they will spend their lives together and receive the same rights and responsibilities that other people have??

Marriage is putting on paper what you feel in your heart. It is coming before your family and friends and saying, I love this person and I want to spend time with them to the exclusion of all others. I want to grow with them, learn from them, and let us leave the world a better place because our relationship existed. Surely that is something that God, in God's infinite wisdom, would want. Whether it is done in a church, or in a town hall, or in Vegas, the intention is clear. Who am I to stand in the way of someone's pursuit of happiness? I do not. I will stand with those who believe in equality before the law (especially the tax law).

Playing games

I finally came back to the gym... I took my daughter and we went right after work. then we went to Chik Fil A for dinner. I started on the treadmill, but my knee went a little crazy, so I switched to the recumbent bike. Then I did a circuit on the machines, followed by 5 minutes on the elliptical... and I hate the elliptical, but I did it. i did 25 crunches and I need to do about 100 more tonight before I go to bed. I was really excited about working my back but I was very very careful.

I have been playing zynga games of late, which are interesting, but I am getting bored with them. I am bored with a lot of things right now. Too much computer time. One of the games is called Farm town and it is cute. You plant seeds and harvest them... I play this as my own garden grows unabashedly. I need to pick lettuce. So I think, why am I playing games and then lamenting about my unclean house, my garden, my daughter my husband, when i am playing games?

Not that there is anything wrong with playing games. I like playing games. I am playing too much. I sit in front of the computer all day at work and I sit in front of the computer at home. I do miss blogging, but what am I going to blog about, playing games? How boring... wait.... *rolls eyes*

I have been baking lately. I made a carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. I made a double chocolate thunder cake with chocolate buttercream icing. I made rosemary cheddar scones. I do like to bake. I think I would like to try my hand at some cream cheese rolls like I used to make. YUM.

I have found a couple of food blogs that I enjoy. http://foodiefarmgirl.blogspot.com is great and I enjoy it. it has great recipes and she is a sconehead. :) I read the simple dollar www.thesimpledollar.com and I have a friend or two that I read. I will have to post a list on the sidebar. I love my cousin; she is on facebook and I enjoy catching up with her after a long silence that was not intentional... we were busy.

i want to try to hit the gym again on Thursday and again on Saturday to establish some routine. I think that is what is missing in my life. I feel like I am floating sometimes. I do not feel focused.

Finally

After a 12 day hiatus, I got back into exercise. I sit here blogging, still in my sweaty clothes. MM and I took a nice walk around the neighbohood, me pushing her in the stroller (MM is my daughter).

I will probably map it out on google maps, they have a tool to do so.

Then when I came home, I saw my husband sitting on the front steps, taking a break. The front yard was half done. I had him take MM into the back yard and I finished the front yard. By the time I was finished, I had definitely gotten a workout and my arms were achy. No, it is not the same as a gym circuit, but I got sweaty, none the less. And the yard is done.

I will be taking a DVD with me this weekend and I plan on doing it at least once... well one can hope. Here's to hoping.

well....

i have been on hiatus from fitness. Not that I haven't thought about it... Not that I haven't been staring at cookies... My monthly visitor showed up two weeks early. It threw me for a loop and today I threw out my back along with some really nasty items from the refrigerator. I have not done anything physical other than play vampire wars on facebook.

On a side note. I did manage to get some annuals planted.

I made macaroni and cheese (homemade) and carrots and apple-peach crisp. I have not bothered to look a calories. I ate when I was hungry and tried not to eat when I was bored.

We will see how tomorrow plays out. I am definitely dressing down tomorrow.

Growl

I want to lose weight. I will follow the mantra.... eat less ... exercise more. My personal trainer told me to write down what I ate. So I went a step further and counted calories. That will be a daily habit for me.... from now on.

I am going to pack my lunch so I have good decisions in front of me. I will have a healthy snack at my desk. I will drink 2+ liters of water a day.

And about that exercise thing... I resolve to make it to the gym more than once a week. I will run for 30 minutes and weight train and I will burn calories. I will do this.

So my goals are:

*pack my lunch
*exercise 3x a week
*count my calories

Whew!

I am glad that the race is over. I pushed it hard and came up with a best time yet of 50 minutes. Yes, I ran that long... on purpose. When I got to the end, at the finish line, my head was pounding along with my heart and I ended up almost being sick. I had to lay down when we got home and rest. I have a feeling my blood pressure was a little high. Too much salt the night before.... but it was tasty!

I wish I could run faster, but I will settle with what I am doing right now and keep trying to improve. I did the 10K in March in 1 hour and 50 minutes, and this one was only a 5k. I did manage to start with an 15 minute mile, which I think is a personal best. The second mile, my time was 33:00 on the clock, which means an 18 minute mile. I was very glad to see that I was on track.

We started up the hill and that was tough. On the way up, I could see the signs from far away. four foot by six foot signs. Pictures of aborted babies. I kept my eyes to the ground and kept going. I was very angry. There were about 6 or 7 of them, it seemed. The people were peaceful, they weren't yelling or doing anything, but I was appalled.

This land is about freedom and freedom of expression. In order to finish this race, I HAD to walk by? I could ruin my stats and leave the race. They had every right to do that, but if my 2.5 year old daughter saw that, how am I going to explain it? I don't want my daughter to see that. She does not need to see that. I wouldn't show her pictures of the mutilation and death of war, why would I show her that? When she is 2 or 4 or 10. As a parent I try to do the right things and keep those images away from her when it is horrific to see what clearly looks like a baby all bloody and disgusting. She is too young to understand what it means. Was it impinging on my rights to raise my daughter without that image and to be able to peaceably run my race? There was a sign that also mentioned that abortion and breast cancer are linked. I looked at these signs and I thought to myself, I will never never never give money to a group like that. I am not an in your face kind of person. But it just lacked taste and judgement. It was clearly a downer. I was glad to get up that hill.

I ended up running towards the end and I got my medal and some water and a banana. Then I blew it all by going to burger king and eating a whopper Jr (no mayo) and fries... rats. Now I would like to go take a nap, but my daughter will be getting up soon from hers. No rest for the tired cause certainly don't feel wicked.

Here's to beating breast cancer.

Running!

I am so pleased that I was able to push it hard tonight and get a 5K done in less than an hour. That is good for me, but I did not get the exact time it took me. About 2.5 miles into it, my foot started tingling like it was falling asleep. It was a weird sensation, but I pushed through it and kept going. Not satisfied to coast, I rolled it up to 5.0 to keep it going. I pushed it hard for the last minute and a half and got it done in about 52 minutes. (I had to walk part of the way because I pushed it hard enough that I had to catch my breath.)

Then I came home and ate the other leftover pieces of pizza, about a serving and a quarter. (we cut them into 8 pieces rather than 6.) I am hydrating (drinking a liter of water) and I made sure to drink a liter and a half of water while at work. Half a Lance candy bar (peanut yumminess).

To go along with that, I ate about 1100 calories before I left work. I had the best lunch today. 8oz. of chili over a baked potato, and the killer ingredients, sour cream and cheese. I also grabbed slivered carrots from the salad bar while I was getting the cheese. the carrots provided a crunch and I sprinkled the cheese over the potato, added the carrots then poured the chili over top. I dolloped the sour cream (only 1 oz.) over top. Deliciousness!!! Add random chocolate and a Kashi bar for breakfast. Good day! Estimated amount for the day, about 1600 - 1700 calories.

quick post

I didn't think I had allergies, but the pollen count down here in old Virginia will be enough to lay anyone out. The whole family is down. Claritin and Benedryl. Yay.

I am in the midst of packing my gym bag so I can get there tonight and get in a run to be ready for the Saturday race.

The good news is my foray into drinking has left me with no appetite and a shruken stomach, not to mention a acid worn esophagus. Wait, that is not really good news. I curbed my pizza intake to 1.5 servings of pizza. That is a good thing.

I also hit the gym on Monday to do a light workout of cardio and some weights. I did crunches and I still feel it. But I know that will bring back my stomach from post baby, post job stress and post depression status.

I really need to keep my focus. It's hard.

Learn Something New Every Day...

I wasn't sure what "tie one on" meant. As usual, when you go for the excess and the extreme... like I do... I probably tied three on. There are worse things.


Idioms: tie one on

Idioms
Become intoxicated; go on a drinking spree. For example, They went out and really tied one on. The precise allusion here--what it is one ties on--is unclear. [Slang; mid-1900s]


tie one on from www.urbandictionary.com

To get drunk or start drinking before the hang over from last night has worn off. Thus having something to "tie onto" To tie one drinking session to another before the effects/consequences of the last have expired.

Guy 1: Hey, what's going on there?
Guy 2: I'm hungover as heck, they had quarter pitcher night at Jake's last night.
Guy 1: So you're just going to hang out?
Guy 2: Heck with it, lets tie one on.
Guy 1&2: *Crack open beers and commence drinking*
by QWERTY1 Apr 19, 2006 share this

A lesson learned

I went out on Friday night and drank my dinner with some friends. I paid for it... not as a friend of mine did at the restaurant. No, I went home and was very sick. My husband said he could smell the alcohol coming out of my pores. That, my friends, is having too much to drink. I was smart and had someone drive me home. But I did not truly make it up and out of bed until about 2 in the afternoon. That is a day wasted. What a drag. I finally ate something at about 6pm... does that mean I am sort for that days calories? What's that you say? Oh, yes well I guess I did overindulge a bit. I was ready to go to the gym yesterday and run and finish it off. I think I actually need some sauna time to finish the job... I think MM and I will hit the "play place" this afternoon. It seems wet and rainy, though I think it is supposed to be hot.

I do know one thing for sure. I will NOT be doing that again. It was to excess and I am trying to avoid that. I do not want excess. Moderation. I ate to excess and it got me where I am weight wise. I do not want to drink to excess because it really isn't any fun... sure it might be when you are there, but the afteraffects just SUCK. So that is enough of that for me. I will still have a drink or two... I will still help kill a bottle of wine... but anymore than that just isn't where I am trying to take my life. I am trying to be better about how I treat my body and the things and people around me. This really didn't help that cause. But now I know.

Whew!

So I went to see the personal trainer today and I am sure I will feel it tomorrow. So tonight after work I went and got a pedicure and it was lovely. I read my book and didn't think about anything else.

Eating wise, I had a big breakfast and I hit Chik fil A for dinner. No lunch. Still I did about 2000 calories with the 576 calorie milkshake and a grilled chicken sandwich. Worth every single slurp. It was yum a licious.

the PT said I should be lifting weights 3 times a week. Does bench pressing a 2 year old count? Schlepping her in and out of the car? Running after her? The trainer works me out with weights and then tells me to do 30 minutes of cardio, but it was my lunch hour and I had to shower. I did a mile.... but I was moving.

I was very proud that I did a 16.5 minute mile. I am trying really hard to learn how to run and I would like to be able to get that time down. Perhaps as my lungs expand and I keep on practicing. I was pushing it... but I only had to slow down for part of it. That was exciting to me. I will get there eventually. But my legs were not the happy campers today... where is that tylenol bottle?

is it really Tuesday?

So I took a hiatus because I was away and busy making things happen for a project that was very important to me. It involved sampling walnut cookies, and they were tasty. Now that the project is behind me I can focus on my goal of trying not to die tomorrow at the gym with my lovely trainer.

Food wise, it has been up and down, with not much for will power, though I have tried not to be foolish. Of course, I did just have a nice serving of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Country Peach Cobbler is fantastic. YUM. Notice I said serving. Not a freaking pint. a half a cup. yes... i do not deny the wonderful pleasures in life that make it worth living. What is the use? I will find some way to make it happen... today I chose to rock in the hammock with my girl, eat parsley and asparagus straight from the garden and sigh contentedly.

Tomorrow is another day... Oh and the reason we didn't hit the gym tonight? Mommy forgot to pack her gym shoes... what a shame, right? Well, there is always tomorrow!

Miss me?

I was away in NOVA (that's Northern Virgina for the rest of y'all). It is difficult to eat well but I tried. I managed not to overeat, which is good, but I did not get to exercise, which is bad. Not to say that I didn't sweat, cause it was HOT, hot up there, just as it is here in Richmond. I was very warm, wore few clothes and still was ahem, sweating like a pig with swine flu. I was WARM.

I managed to have some fun and MM had an interesting time with her dad at the Thomas event. I did not go, and I should have, and next time, well, let's say, I will do it differently. I went shopping instead and found a couple of things for work, which is great. Not that i can't go shopping in my closet, but I still have a couple of dress sizes to drop before that becomes a reality.

I notice that everything I bought would work well as a maternity dress too. No, nothing to report on that front. I will have to curtail running if that happens, unless I can get my base and get my body happy prior to that blessed event coming along.

But I did do some gardening today and planted flowers, so that is a good thing. I made pasta primavera with shrimp and managed to eat well, but not overeat. it was a lot of veggies and a little shrimp, some spaghetti and a olive oil/ butter sauce. Oh, don't freak out. 1 T of butter per serving, relax. I would say 2 T tops of fat per serving with the EVOO and butter... between 20- 24 grams of fat (4g per t of fat) but who actually measures the EVOO they put in the pan? Not me, but I can guesstimate. I will definitely say that my primavera was more veggie than pasta. Tomatoes, squash, zucchini, onions, garlic, and carrots. YUM.

Perhaps tomorrow I can get to the gym for a workout. I would like to at least do some cardio. I bet MM would like some play place time.... I will just make sure she gets a bath in hand sanitizer when she is done.... (just kidding!)

It's FRIDAY

wooooo! Yesterday I was doing really well and then I ate 3 mini bags of MnMs right in a row. Ack. But I managed to contain myself and munched on baby cucumbers and carrots in the morning and then has a lovely quesadilla for lunch scarfing up the salsa and leaving most of the sour cream. The afternoon was more carrots and and cukes and trying like hell to avoid the candy bowl, which I avoided it for the most part then had the episode I mentioned. At this point I am just trying to avoid it. But how does one avoid the team lunch at Mexico? i ate breakfast already (bowl of good cereal) and I look forward to chippies and salsa, tacos and tamales. YUM

I should really be exercising now, but the upper body is still recovering and I am tired, despite a cup of coffee and cereal.... all I want is to go back to bed... yes... that is what I will do.

Sweet Jesus, help me

Day 2 after the workout and OMG, the lactic acid build up is incredible and so is my facial expression everytime I move. Ack... I need to find a way to get myself dressed today and get to work... ouchy ouchy ouchy...

Things to remember:

• I brought this on myself.
• I wanted a stronger body.
• Where is the freaking Tylenol?
• If I don't eat it will go faster, right? (awww, who am I kidding?)

Soreness

(picture from http://www.rosstoons.com/)

I had a meeting with the personal trainer on Tuesday and wow, today I am feeling it. Arms and abs are sore, backside and legs not as much. I would love to go back again and do it. It was great, and the feeling I have is a good sore. I also did cardio and today I am resting my body, though I may do some stretches to alleviate some of the soreness.

Eating today has been interesting. I brought fudge for people and managed to not eat any myself. I took some pain relief today at work to help me along and it did help, but I still was eating a lot. Luckily it was halfway decent things. Like multigrain minis and kashi go lean bar. I tried to avoid the bad stuff today and instead went for the chili, which had sat. fat in it... and then I totally blew it and put an oz. of cheese and an oz. of sour cream. Then I finished off the package of cheese popcorn and the bag of multigrain minis. Oh and what did I eat for dinner? CHEEEEEEEESE pizza. with at least 4 oz of cheese. holy crap. My stomach is freaking out and the cheese and dough ball are just sitting there. All I should have had was a smoothie, but then I would have had to share with my daughter and I would have crashed raging in 30 minutes due to lack of protein. I can't win for losing. I swear I am not going to eat for a month. (That is such a lie.)

That's the problem when you eat at the costco food court. Limited entrees. But the good news it I bought baby carrots and cucumbers and I got a gallon of milk for work, so I can take my protein shakes in. I love being able to drink shakes. I also got some crackers and some pears so I will have some options in the morning.

Now I have to figure out what to make for dinner tomorrow. Here's hoping I can find something good. I am going to start eating breakfast at home in the morning so as to not spend money and see if I can make lunch too. But tomorrow is chicken quesadilla on whole wheat tortilla... a fabulous concoction they make in the cafe, so I will have to think about dinner and breakfast. WHY AM I ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT FOOD?

Yeah, you'll have that

This is how I feel today.

Slug-like.

Why am I barely able to move and my head is now busting out of my skull. Oh, what did I have for dinner? A monster plate of spaghetti and 5 meatballs. Homemade garlic bread, & 3 glasses of red wine. What? Exercise?

When I was much younger I actually did fall off a hay wagon (not a turnip truck); it knocked the breath out of me. This falling off the food wagon can be blamed on two things... hormones and a severe lack of will power.

Meh. I will pack my bag for the gym tomorrow. I'm tired and I am going to bed.

Gardening as cardio

Okay, I am not talking about trowel wielding shuffle along on your knees to plant annuals, though I did do some of that. I am talking hard labor. I turned over an area 4 .5 feet by about 20 feet with a shovel and then used the roto tiller on it. I added 40 lb bags of manure and some of my own compost to the area, then raked it all smooth. Then I added a bit of limestone to the area. that was yesterday. Today I did another 4 square feet of overturning and break clumps with a shovel and then I planted many many many seeds. Tomatoes, peas, peppers, carrots, squash, zucchini, lettuce and basil. Tomorrow I will plant parsley and thyme (from seed).

yesterday, as I was finishing up in the garden, I was sweating profusely and out of breath. My face was red from exertion. I wasn't in fat burning mode, but my heart rate was up.

My goal is to exercise 5 days a weeks and chasing a 2 year old doesn't count. I am trying to figure out how to make it all work and I am figuring out that it is not. Tonight I should put in an exercise video and just do it, but I know I won't. Truth is, my exertions today tired me out... so no sustained cardio for me. And alas, my calorie levels were not so great. Today, 3 egg whites and grilled bread (read that as in butter, YUM) lunch was cold lamb and sweet potato couscous. Dinner was an Arby's Roast beef sandwich, curly fries, green beans and half a muffin. (tiny) I just ate an apple and glorious piece of mint chocolate. Oh and I should add I had two other pieces of Godiva chocolate... Nirvana.

so I have an issue with chocolate and I wish for a smaller body. These things don't mix.... unless you can keep it to one piece of chocolate. I'll work on that. In the meantime, in the South, there is a thing called pollen season. It is yellow everywhere. After taking some benadryl, I am now down for the count.

Amish strikes again

The person for whom I made the bread for was appreciative... my teammates loved it but it was lost in a blizzard of Friday morning food. I brought in bread, my boss's boss brought in bagels, someone brought in a load of cookies, cupcakes, and a chocolate eclair cake (yum). i ate the multigrain bagel and had 3 spoonfuls of chocolate eclair cake, and a serving of monkey bread. I figured that was enough. I went to lunch with my hubby and we ate at a Pho noodle house. I went to my brother's house and he offered me potato pancakes. We grilled kielbasa on the grill and I sauted zucchini and squash. So i probably ended up the day with about 3000 calories. I had eaten 800+ by noon.

So I will have to be careful today. I am finishing the last of the monkey bread at home with my daughter consuming at least 7 pieces (if you do not know, they are roughly less than the size of a ping pong ball) and with me a serving size. Coffee and a piece of fruit and I will be a happy camper.

Then exercise today will consist of gardening.... a lot.

Friday morning

I am up early creating evil food that has no business going in my mouth. Amish monkey bread. It is my grandmothers recipe and I did one change. Well, two. I forgot to add salt. I also used some whole wheat flour as well. So, right now it is rising, well, hopefully it is rising. Now it will be up to me to get it moving. I was supposed to shower while it was rising but I didn't want to wake everyone. It is just getting light and the sun is about to rise in a half an hour. I awoke at about 5 wel, 4:54 and I slept much better than the night before, thank you exercise. My ankle still hurts this morning, but not overtly. Just a shin splint of sorts leading to that ankle. That's what I get for trying to jog 243 pounds. Yep that's right, folks, 243. I hit the 250 number when I was prego with MM but I am on a mission to get to 220 so another pregnancy won't kill my knees. That is why I started this little blog, to help me and motivate me.

My mother has always said to eat less and exercise more, so I will eat less whenever possible. I did have a piece of chocolate because well... yeah, it's chocolate. I gave up fast food and try to eat well whenever possible. Everyone has their pleasures. Mine is baking.... and eating.

so to combat the eating I need to exercise well. I joined a gym that has a yellow hue like it is made of coins. I have a Wii fit. I want to use it more, but it is diffucult when there is a two year old who wants to do it too. *sigh*

Time to check on the bread, get it rolling, literally. I am so pleased to be able to use my grandmother's recipe and I do hope it turn out ok.I will report back, and maybe even post a picture.

Much better today

This is how I felt today.

But I managed to get to the gym and do a 5 K and burn 500+ calories. It was nice to get there and make something happen. They have a play place for kids so MM was able to go and have fun. I would love to be able to run consistently and get the miles in but I am just starting out and I am SLOW like a box turtle. Eventually.

Today's food was okay. I logged the calories but I had a big cookie at lunch that was the size of my hand. Chocolate with chocolate chips, caramel and pecans. They call it the turtle cookies. Perhaps that is why I am so slow. I had curried chicken and lentils, some ham and potato casserole for dinner and a triangle of quesadilla. I went to work out. Then an apple and I am having some decaf tea this evening to rehydrate. My calories ranged today somewhere in the neighborhood of 1500 to 1600 caloies. that's enough for now... I may make some popcorn. I need more fiber.

I need to stretch and do some ab work.. it's all puffed out, looks like I am prego.... NOT.

well, blah

that is how I feel. Blah, no energy. Tired.

Tomorro will be better.

today's calories

well I was doing good up until 5 oclock, having counted only 1100 calories. I am sure I blew it out of the water with dinner. A few bites of my daughter's mac and cheese, a ham slice, and orange glazed beets. Then I finished off a pint of Ben and Jerry's ( 1/4 to a 1/2 cup) and a cup of froot loops. Then I took my vitamins and washed it down with a girl scout cookie and a glass of wine (4 oz).

I am such a mess.

I will keep trying by counting the calories. That is the only way to really make it happen. Oh yes, and the exercise thing. My mom always told me (since puberty) to eat less and exercise more. Well I will try to make that happen.

Oh, and I didn't go to Hardee's. Just a look at their calories makes me realize that it is not the way to go. I will only eat an egg mcmuffin. It is truly the best bet for breakfast calorie and fat wise... but couple it with a hash brown... I think they sprinkle them with crack.

What can happen today?

What can I do better? How can I make a difference? What will I choose to eat today? Can I make a choice to climb the stairs, to walk further, longer and strive to make the most of this job which I have barely begun to scratch the surface??

So many questions. I will step out the door and keep walking, keep working, keep going. The alternative is not where I want to go.

Where do I really want to go? Hardee's! I hear their biscuits calling my name! I must try to resist... but I probably won't. No will power and I refuse to think about it all day.

CHOCOLATE

Have I mentioned how much I love chocolate? it is a beautiful thing and I do dearly love it. I had four pieces. My personal trainer wants me down to 1 piece a day, but I had to go a little over. We'll see how that one piece minimum goes. wait, did I say four? It was five pieces of chocolate, 2 glasses of wine and a tofu noodle bowl.

I really am tired. The weekend wore me out. it is time for bed. Yes it is only 9:30.

I was going to exercise when I got home but that didn't happen. I think I might be able to brush my teeth before falling into bed. Yes, I am that tired.

Food and gluttony

I love food. I live to eat. Today I made some fantastic food. I made a ham and a leg of lamb. I could have done just one, but I did both. ahh, the excess of America! We were fortunate to get both. And they were good. I made sides: Asparagus, beets, homemade rolls and macraoni and cheese. Yum. For dessert, a small piece of pecan pice mini muffin, a scoop of ice cream, fresh strawberries and a dollop of whipped cream. dusted with a sprinkle of freshly grated nutmeg. Coffee, too. I would hate to think about how much it would cost in a restaurant. Both my brother and sister-in- law fell asleep after dinner. They ate well and were very full.

I think about the excess of food at the table and how much was thrown away. Don't get me wrong, I save a lot of leftovers. There will be many, many meals out of both the ham and lamb. I even saved the drippings of the roasted lamb for my scotch broth I will make later this week.

I often wonder what gluttony is. Is gluttony eating too much? Or is it the wasteful use of food? Are they one in the same? By eating too much, the food is not used and turned into fat. I think about the food that I buy and use. I hate to waste food. it bothers me. I like to buy food. I like to consime it, but there is nothing more stressful than finding something that wasn't used and now it is bad. too much going on.

I tis something to think about.

No exercise today... unless you count cleaning

I have been bouncing between church and home today and right now I am making bread for services tomorrow. It was a tough day food wise. I had a bagel this morning and there were other snackies. Then a sammie, followed by another. and cake and cookies. Dinner was a beef stirfry, with onion, mushrooms, squash and zucchini. Yeah, it had a butter olive oil sauce to finish it, what of it? With a piece of whole wheat pita. Now I am having a glass of Jacob's Creek shiraz cab mix. The kitchen needs to be cleaned and I have to start prep work on the other foods for tomorrow.

I love to cook and bake, so I am doing what I love, but the day was trying mentally. So I will have to work on the other things for tomorrow and work out all the prep work. Busy weekend, that means I am burning calories, right? right?

Yay for fat burning!

I hit the gym and set up my personal trainer... then I went and walked 3.2 miles and worked up a nice sweat, then I showered at the gym. I forgot to bring along clothing so i had to abort the shopping I was planning and went home and sat down.... I should have been cleaning.... oh well. Tomorrow is another day. Then I can have help!

I watched two movies and C came home and then I went to get my girl and she had a blast running around the McD's play place. We went to target and then home, so I had some walking and shopping done. Had the mcdouble which is 440 calories and shared MM's fries. not so great... WTF gets me 1150mg of sodium? I should have had the hamburger. straight up. next time. it looked like salads were off the menu otherwise I would have gotten one of those with grilled chicken.

I am getting tired of chicken. I feel like I eat it every day and there are not many alternatives.

I spoke with this lady while our kids were in the play place and she had a 1.5 year old. The toddler started pulling on her shirt... I knew what that meant, and she very discreetly nursed her while we talked. I have no problem at all with this. But it was interesting. She was originally from Russia, and I think the taboo that gets people all worked up (boobies! OMG!) is not seen in other countries that it is here in the US. People are so weird here. Like me. I will talk about that but I will not publish the results of a purity test I took on my blog.... why? 'cause I thought it was interesting, but I had my reasons... (Hi, Mom!)

Eating Machine

There are just some days that are better than others. This was not a good day. A friend loaded a candy dish with myriad choices of tempting chocolate... Someone brought in bagels and donuts. I resisted temptation for a while and then gave in, and by my last count, 17 pieces of chocolate. A krispy kreme donut, and a unexciting lunch of grilled chicken, squash and broccoli. Dinner was a spinach florentine (Bertoli) so I am so over the limit for calories. WAYYYYYY over.

*Shrug*

Some days are better than others.

Plan aborted

I was planning on going to the gym, but the thought of no milk in the house drove me right past the gym to the store, where a hemmorhage of cash took place for the two pieces of meat I purchased for Easter, along with fixings for sandwiches for a funeral reception I will be attending on Saturday.

I love to cook and preparing meat, while not my personal favorite, is still a luxury I can afford, even if I cannot partake in much of it. I find my body is not responding well to fat, though the influx of ben and jerry tonight was a welcome release. I find my taste buds eschew fat and instead look for flavor. Fat doesn't taste very good anymore. The richness of the ice cream was fantastic, and the portion was small. Probably 1/2 cup, a regular serving. I haven't eaten an entire pint in one sitting since I don't know when. It is not my style. especially now that I am trying to lose weight. I would rather enjoy a small taste and not feel overwhelmed, or guilty because I had eaten it.

What bothers me is the lack of exercise. I lose time and I do not make it up. there is no way to make up time, so I need to figure out a way to fit this part of my life in. Exercise has to be part of this equation. I will keep searching for answers which I think lie in the stairwells of my workplace.

Burning question: What the heck is poutine?

From Wikipedia:

"Poutine (Quebec French pronunciation ˈputsɪn (help·info)) is a dish consisting of French fries topped with fresh cheese curds, covered with brown gravy and sometimes additional ingredients. [1] It is a quintessential Canadian comfort food, especially in Quebec.
Poutine is a fast food staple in many parts of Canada; it is sold by many fast food chains (such as New York Fries, Harvey's, Ed's Subs[2]) in most provinces, in small "greasy spoon" type diners ( commonly known as "casse-croûtes" in Quebec) and pubs, as well as by roadside chip wagons. International chains like McDonald's,[3] A&W,[4] KFC and Burger King[5] also sell mass-produced poutine across Canada. Popular Quebec restaurants that serve poutine include Chez Ashton (Quebec City), La Banquise (Montreal), Lafleur Restaurants, Franx Supreme [6], La Belle Province, Le Petit Québec and Dic Ann's Hamburgers. Along with fries and pizza, poutine is a very common dish sold and eaten in high school cafeterias in various parts of Canada."

I did not try poutine. But I saw signs for it all over Montreal. I wondered and now I know. I would've wiki'd it there on the street but verizon is not welcome in the french province. Sigh.

I wonder what the equivilent American comfort food would be. Any thoughts?

Does walking count?

So my lack of writing lately was because I was in Montreal attending a 3 concert event. Marillion was the group. We saw them in England in '05 and we couldn't spring for the change to fly to the Netherlands for this Marillion Weekend, but next time for sure. We brought my daughter who is 2 and a half and my 13 year old niece to Montreal and we schlept all up and down Rue St. Catherine. So we definitely got our walking in. We were 2 blocks from the Metro and the venue was 3 blocks (L' Olympia). we did all the touristy things and got to see the butterfly exhibit at the botanical gardens and the biodome. I would like to go back eventually, but not right away.

So I tried really hard to not go crazy with food and drink. It was a nice time.

No exercise

I don't think what I was doing counts as exercise. But goals have been accomplished and I feel somewhat ready to embark on a journey. the good news is I was low on the calorie count, thinking that tomorrow and the next few days will be rife with temptation. But I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I cannot say whether or not I will. I will try to make good choices. I think I am doing well so far. For now.

April Fools!

I think I am coming close to the end of my rope in terms of clutter. I was thinking of having a free sale. Not a yard sale. a free sale. I would put it all out on the curb, advertise and have people take the things away. I have too many things and I don't want them anymore. I also don't want the hassle of a tag sale, pricing, monitoring. Maybe I will have people make their best offer. So I don't know. I would like to earn money for it, but at this point I am ready to say get rid of it all. Take it all. Leave me with the things I hold dear. They are all that matters, the rest is just stuff.

Back trouble

This image makes me laugh.


I had to cancel the personal trainer and I went to the doctor instead. I tried to get myself to do some exercise but it hurt too darn much. I put in the DVD and tried to follow it while packing for our trip and i just didn't have the heart. Then I was so tired I laid down and took a little rest with cat.

My husband has determined that I will be lots of fun on this trip with all the meds I will be on. Hopefully I will not have to have them the whole time.

Back to the Wall

I have been battling weight since puberty. When I got my period I ballooned up to a size 11 at the age of 13 and have never been south of it since then. Weight is a way to disappear, because no one notices the fat girl. She blends in with the other nobodies and does not get noticed. The only problem is my personlity is not fat. it doesn't blend in and disappear. My personality is a skinny model that screams to be noticed in flashing prints and daring hemlines. No, it rolls down the runway in a size 6 and unfortunately, the body that carries it needs an airplane runway.

So this is where I am now. I am putting this out here in the world so that way it is public.

GYMalicious

There's a joke in that headline somewhere. I went to the gym and worked on walking. I walked a mile and did the elliptical, that evil machine for 10 minutes. My legs still hurt from the 10k. I did a few leg presses, then realized my friggin back should not have extra stress so I stopped. Then i sat in the sauna to sweat some more and left. I should have stayed longer but the personal trainer is going to kill me tomorrow so I said, let's not overdo it. I am going to try to make it happen, this whole losing weight thing. The first thing is to find a groove. I am still looking for it.

10K thoughts

SO yesterday I did the 10k. I beat my time for last year but I missed my 1:40 goal by 4 minutes. So now I am thinking about why I do these things. I get misty eyed when I see the survivors and their reasons. I have my reasons. I did not attach them to my back this year. I always do it for Michael. And for Mary Beth. I also do it for Marcy and for Suzanne and all those who have beaten it. But I watched the masses of people, 24,000 plus making their way along the street and is a feeling that you are part of something larger than yourself. A mass of people all doing the same thing together. Some people do not do it because of cancer. Some do it for fun, because they like to run 10Ks. I do it because I make a commitment to do it and finish. I make a commitment to finish better than the year before. So although our reasons are different, we still do the same thing. I am so glad to be a part of it. It is amazing watching all those people.

Still I wish I could run like the others do. I wish the pavement would fly by and I could eat up the ground faster and make it happen. My pokey little legs are slow, I am carrying 100 extra pounds and my stride is extremely short. Others can and have walked it faster than I did just by walking.

And sometimes I wonder what is the point of running? Why do it at all? Usually that is around mile 4 or 5, when you are fatigued and want to stop. The runner's high really hasn't hit me yet. But that is okay. I live for the finish line, to hear the people cheer as I cross. That is probably the reason why I do it.

Hi

Well here is the first post. Yay. I want to use this blog to work on my own goals and strategies and find a way to make it happen.