Change

Change for the most part is a good thing, even if you do not think that it is when you are in the middle of it. In thinking about it from a completely selfish perspective, the changes that I make to my life can affect other people, but I am concerned about my perspective here and no one else's. That may seem rude, but I am narrowing this focus.

My life changed for better or worse when I married a man stricken with cancer while I was in my 20's. His death was incredibly tough to handle and I shut down for a year or so. I went back to school and before I graduated, had a crisis and never finished. The pictures of me walking mock me along with my moldy MA cape and empty degree folder.

Now I am married again, with 2 children, and finding myself shutting down again. Not sure which direction to go, what I really should be doing, but I am unsatisfied with what is going on in my life. Not with my marriage, or my children, but the purpose beyond that. I am unsatisfied with the position I find myself in and I want to change.

I want to make a difference in my health, for my children's sake. I am too tired and I need my body to be there for me as I age. I'm too fat and I don't exercise. I haven't been eating well for about 4 years with bursts of activity/unchanged habits. Something has to change. The other day my baby belly showed it's ugly self when I rolled over on my side and there was a huge slab of flesh that followed the laws of gravity. it's been 7 months since my child has been born. Something has to change.

So I started with buying fresh fruit and vegetables. I carried yogurt and bananas into work. I eat when I am hungry and try to eat things that are better. I am not there yet. The siren song of sweet litle donuts are too hard to resist, but all things in moderation.

The morning after the belly thing I laid down on the bed after my shower and I did 60 crunches. it took about 2 minutes. I did 30 minutes on the Wii. The burn of lactic acid the next day made me smile rather than wince. I wanted to make it happen.

But when I came home last night at 9:30 from a meeting, I found my husband hooked into a TV show and I didn't exercise. I sat and decompressed. I thought about the next day and mentally pulled out clothes and got my morning ready. The baby was up a lot last night and so was I. I slept in until 7:15 and started the morning whirl. I was up last night thinking about change and how I could make a difference.

So here is my thought.... I am going to try to post my changes, my Wii time, my thoughts here as I work towards a goal of changing to be healthier. I weigh 240 pounds. I am currently in a size 20/22 (2X) and I am ready to make a change for the future. I was hoping that this will help me as another vehicle for change. I think I am ready. And along the way, maybe I can find out what it is I am really supposed to be doing with my life.

The journey starts today.

Exercise... Finally

I did a walking DVD as it is close to 100 outside. It annoyed me. The woman was too cheeky and I kept getting distracted by all the crap on top of my dresser... so I pulled everything off of it while I marched in place. I also put on the wrong one and I had to modify. They wanted me to jog and that is not happening yet. So I kept marching. I figured that I could at least move my happy butt while doing it. It was scary, the contents on top of my dresser filled a laundry basket... it was out of control.

Did not get sweaty, the reason why was the headache that has been aching to bust through all morning did so right in the middle of the workout. I looked over at my water bottle. Still full from last night. The Littlest Girl let me sleep until 3 (5+hours) and then woke again around 6. I did NOT go back to bed, but got up and got everyone going. Dropped MM off and went to the store... then got back and took care of some things. But I did not drink enough water and now I am in deficit. Add blood pressure raising from the workout and my head could not take higher intensity, so I kept my marching, downed a liter of liquid and kept moving but without the higher intensity... so... not aerobic, but my butt finally feels like it got some exercise.

Will free-cycle some of the items on my dresser that I will not use... and other items can be thrown away or sorted and put away. Part of my downfall. Things do not get put away in their proper spot. I am going to try to work on that.

I was thinking about joining weightwatchers but then I realized that if I really thought about it, I could do it myself. I should not look to an outside source to tell me what I know already. I need to reduce my saturated fat intake and instead focus on Omega3's and healthy fats. That my caloric consumption should be watched so as to not go overboard. I am breastfeeding and I really cannot "diet" because I actually HAVE to eat more. I looked online and someone reposted the "points" for WW and a lactating mom get 12 extra points... that's a Big Mac... HA! Doesn't mean I should eat one.

So now that I have accomplished 2 items on my list for today, I need to feed the Littlest One and begin prep for dinner. Meat Loaf... yum. yeah yeah yeah I know... does it help that it is made with pork, turkey and beef? And that my meat loaf rocks? I may have to find that CD for prep work. And some ibuprofen for this headache.

randomness

I have been slothing around facebook, not exercising, not doing much of anything except watching MM grow. That in itself is edifying and I wish my temper were not so short. It just is sometimes. But the best part is that I haven't pigged out on food and I am losing a pound or two by not going crazy with the calories. I have my days.

I loaded my gym bag into the car... and i think about even just one day if I could get away from work or from home for an hour and a half to get in a decent workout...

My elbow is in regular pain now... just pain from typing and using the mouse. I did a cortisone shot and it worked immediately and wore off very quickly this time... it wasn't even 2 months.

My hips, the outer edges, have been aching... not where they meet at the femur, but up at the top... they ache.

My back has been ok but i had a brief episode yesterday.

I know that these would be eased if I were able to release some natural endorphines.

So I keep looking at my gym bag in the car... wondering if I will make it a priority in my life. If I can keep the eating under control, ad I start to exercise things will start to happen.

is it really Tuesday?

So I took a hiatus because I was away and busy making things happen for a project that was very important to me. It involved sampling walnut cookies, and they were tasty. Now that the project is behind me I can focus on my goal of trying not to die tomorrow at the gym with my lovely trainer.

Food wise, it has been up and down, with not much for will power, though I have tried not to be foolish. Of course, I did just have a nice serving of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Country Peach Cobbler is fantastic. YUM. Notice I said serving. Not a freaking pint. a half a cup. yes... i do not deny the wonderful pleasures in life that make it worth living. What is the use? I will find some way to make it happen... today I chose to rock in the hammock with my girl, eat parsley and asparagus straight from the garden and sigh contentedly.

Tomorrow is another day... Oh and the reason we didn't hit the gym tonight? Mommy forgot to pack her gym shoes... what a shame, right? Well, there is always tomorrow!

Soreness

(picture from http://www.rosstoons.com/)

I had a meeting with the personal trainer on Tuesday and wow, today I am feeling it. Arms and abs are sore, backside and legs not as much. I would love to go back again and do it. It was great, and the feeling I have is a good sore. I also did cardio and today I am resting my body, though I may do some stretches to alleviate some of the soreness.

Eating today has been interesting. I brought fudge for people and managed to not eat any myself. I took some pain relief today at work to help me along and it did help, but I still was eating a lot. Luckily it was halfway decent things. Like multigrain minis and kashi go lean bar. I tried to avoid the bad stuff today and instead went for the chili, which had sat. fat in it... and then I totally blew it and put an oz. of cheese and an oz. of sour cream. Then I finished off the package of cheese popcorn and the bag of multigrain minis. Oh and what did I eat for dinner? CHEEEEEEEESE pizza. with at least 4 oz of cheese. holy crap. My stomach is freaking out and the cheese and dough ball are just sitting there. All I should have had was a smoothie, but then I would have had to share with my daughter and I would have crashed raging in 30 minutes due to lack of protein. I can't win for losing. I swear I am not going to eat for a month. (That is such a lie.)

That's the problem when you eat at the costco food court. Limited entrees. But the good news it I bought baby carrots and cucumbers and I got a gallon of milk for work, so I can take my protein shakes in. I love being able to drink shakes. I also got some crackers and some pears so I will have some options in the morning.

Now I have to figure out what to make for dinner tomorrow. Here's hoping I can find something good. I am going to start eating breakfast at home in the morning so as to not spend money and see if I can make lunch too. But tomorrow is chicken quesadilla on whole wheat tortilla... a fabulous concoction they make in the cafe, so I will have to think about dinner and breakfast. WHY AM I ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT FOOD?

today's calories

well I was doing good up until 5 oclock, having counted only 1100 calories. I am sure I blew it out of the water with dinner. A few bites of my daughter's mac and cheese, a ham slice, and orange glazed beets. Then I finished off a pint of Ben and Jerry's ( 1/4 to a 1/2 cup) and a cup of froot loops. Then I took my vitamins and washed it down with a girl scout cookie and a glass of wine (4 oz).

I am such a mess.

I will keep trying by counting the calories. That is the only way to really make it happen. Oh yes, and the exercise thing. My mom always told me (since puberty) to eat less and exercise more. Well I will try to make that happen.

Oh, and I didn't go to Hardee's. Just a look at their calories makes me realize that it is not the way to go. I will only eat an egg mcmuffin. It is truly the best bet for breakfast calorie and fat wise... but couple it with a hash brown... I think they sprinkle them with crack.

Back to the Wall

I have been battling weight since puberty. When I got my period I ballooned up to a size 11 at the age of 13 and have never been south of it since then. Weight is a way to disappear, because no one notices the fat girl. She blends in with the other nobodies and does not get noticed. The only problem is my personlity is not fat. it doesn't blend in and disappear. My personality is a skinny model that screams to be noticed in flashing prints and daring hemlines. No, it rolls down the runway in a size 6 and unfortunately, the body that carries it needs an airplane runway.

So this is where I am now. I am putting this out here in the world so that way it is public.