Muffin top

This morning and yesterday morning, I had a muffin for breakfast along with two egg whites. It's Wednesday meaning that I could have had a Belgian Waffle in the cafeteria, but I yoinked the last oat bran muffin and squirreled it upstairs. Other days I eat eggs and potatoes, but I have trying to trend towards more healthy eating. I also recognize that if I want to take advantage of the calorie consumption that rolls parallel with lactation, I really need to watch the extra 500 calories I have been ingesting daily. Last night I had the pleasure of eating Breuster's strawberry ice cream and it was tart and fabulous. I covered it with butterscotch caramel and went looking for almonds to top it. Sliced toasted almonds from trader joe's in the cupboard. I pulled the bag down and saw 4 moths coming out of the cupboard. damn. Millet moths, I think they are called. I looked closely at my almond... there was a moth in the bag, tell tale webbing and to make it even more gross, a larvae... bleck. My ice cream was melting and I had nothing to top it. mmm chocolate chips... closed with a nice tight seal. I popped open the seal and on the seal... another larvae. It's a good thing I have a strong stomach. Inspected inside the bag and they had not infiltrated my mini chocolate chips. Ha! I dumped some on the ice cream, swatted the last moths with a swatter and went to enjoy fabulous ice cream, drippy with caramel and resplendent in chocolate.

So this morning, as yesterday, I ate the muffin from the bottom up. I love muffin tops. I bought a muffin top pan, but it is gone now, I had it for awhile, but the muffin tops were just not the same. You need that large apparatus on the bottom to make the top a true crowning glory. It is a good 400 calorie muffin with lots of fat sugar and the redeeming quality of fiber. I love saving the muffin top until last, enjoying the crunch of caramelized sugar.

I am deflecting. I know I need to clean out the whole damn cupboard, check for larvae on every nook and cranny. I know I need to clean the kitchen and all the bottles next to the sink for pumping and for Em. I know I need to start saving for a new heat pump, for the repairs on the house and the other million little things. I vegetated last night in front of the TV instead of working on the stuff for church, or the house or the finances. I feel guilty about that, know that the work is piling up. But I am taking a moment. Maybe a few moments... so I do not go insane. I am enjoying my muffin top, savoring the sweetness. I am enjoying moments in my life and trying not to let them pass me by in my quest for the house to be clean, work to be done, and things that have to be done. I am enjoying my muffin top. I am enjoying my life in its small sweet bites.

Gross

So I am the middle of a purge... I have a medical procedure and I have to drink all this stuff and it is super disgusting. I sound like I am 16, but ugh. it really is gross. And all i want is a damn cheeseburger.

Well I will get to eat after I am finish with this tomorrow afternoon. I remember the fist thing I ate was some sugary cereal with some kind of coloring. I swear it came out the same way. I didn't each much of it after that.

It has been a rough couple of weeks, getting back to work, dealing with some personal things and trying to keep up with church. I am a leader. I just want it to be easy. Leading is not easy. I can want it, but it is not going to happen.

I keep thinking about how I can make a difference. How can I be a positive force for change? How can I make things work better? What can I do to make a difference?

Can I make those changes as a leader and make my surroundings better? Can I learn to do things differently? Can I help people see that although the change may not be easy, it may be necessary for survival?

In some ways I feel like I have been skating by and not accomplishing much. Especially with exercise. I have been lax in exercise. I hope I can change that.

Today

14 years since my first husband died. it was a lifetime ago because it seems like another life.

Michael was a dear sweet man and I loved him. He is still with me and I think about him from time to time. Sometimes I wonder what our life would be like had that cancer not happened. I do not think about it too often because truly that is living in the past. It was another lifetime. I had to leave Indiana and move away to stop being a widow at 24.

Your life moves in odd directions for odd reasons. The tiniest chance makes the difference.

When I look at my children today, children that have nothing to do with Michael... they are my life as it stands today. I should be grateful for their smiles and giggles. I am glad they are part of my life. My husband too.

But today I think about Michael. Today my brain roams in the past. Today I wonder.

Tomorrow is something else altogether.

Welcome back!

I keep hearing those words... welcome back!

I started back to work on Monday. It has been interesting. My stress level is up high and I am concerned about too many things to enumerate. My exercise level has not been high but I did manage to walk up the stairs yesterday.

In the meantime I am sweating like a banshee all night. So I know my body is burning calories to produce sweat like that. Wish I knew why, I have been doing that for a while now. I wake up and my hair is wet. I sweat through my head. When I get out of the shower, I start sweating. When I drink something hot... or eat something spicy, or start doing the tiniest bit of exertion, or get frustrated.

So I don't know if I should worry about it or try to investigate further. I will do some of the latter.

Doing Something

My friend Therese Lee invited me to a 10 day fitness challenge. So I thought, well 10 days before I go back to work, that can work, right?

Looked over the list: 2 liters of water a day, a cup of green tea, 5 serving of fresh fruit and veg, 8 hours of sleep and 1 hour of exercise.

water? No problem, I drink that because I am breastfeeding.
green tea? Sure, nice afternoon pick me up.
8 hours of sleep? In a row? Not going to happen.
5 servings of fruit and veg? Sure.
An hour of exercise? Just try to stop me!

So I will try to chronicle this... if I can. Also going to Ohio as well, no C, so I need to rock out my lists and get my newer stroller rolling so I can carry both the girl and the littlest girl.

Serious clutter

I decided I wanted to clean the dining room today. I have serious clutter issues. I found stuff that I will never use again, I found items tucked into corners, I found lots and lots of crap. I am putting my clutter buster glasses on and looking at the stuff from a different perspective and going to try like heck to purge purge and purge again. But I know one of the things I would like to do is to stop my own purchases of said crap. One of the reasons is to replace the crap I cannot find... that is sad... because it is hidden under more crap! ARGH.

So in the effort to spend less money, I am trying to organize items so that I do not have to purchase any more stuff that is not needed. I want to use up what I have. So why do I have this pathological need to get more paper plates because I have too many napkins that match? Seriously? Seriously. I am crazy. I have no idea why I want to have that. I love to have nice things that match, something that is lost on my husband. Well, maybe not lost. Not important. If they were iron covers, they'd match. Napkins? Maybe... it just wouldn't have the same importance.

SO I am going to try to clear out a spot on the table to eat lunch and make an effort to clear out more stuff. I think I need a bigger trash bag.

Boredom

I should be working on things but I am not. I am bored and I want to play. I want to eat. I want to do anything but what I am supposed to be doing. Not really a good way to be on a Tuesday, is it? I ate 2 pieces of banana bread and then a meat loaf sandwich and I thought I was hungry but really I am thirsty.

So I drank a liter of water and I guess I need to drink more. Littlest Girl is finally out after fighting sleep and some tummy time. Which means I have about 2 hours to *do* something. The tasks I have to do are staring me in the face with their tongues sticking out, nyah nyah nyah, you'll never complete US. You will just fritter your time until Em wakes up and then not get anything done today.

Well I would like to get things done. But my brain has spun it all away. Drat. I made a list of things I have to do and I should follow the list. But I am avoiding it. I am not playing games, or watching TV. I flit between facebook and Fark.com, burping up the meat loaf sandwich and realize there are 4 work hours until I have to pick up the girl. Given the fact it is only 81 degrees, perhaps I will venture upstairs to handle the item on my list of things to do. One item. We'll see what happens after that.

I was thinking about the Wii and the fun we had with it. We will be able to enjoy that more when there is room. I could go up and play or do Wii fit. But it strikes me as a waste. Most things do these days. Games like sudoku and puzzles and other things. If someone asked me what I was interested in right now I would give them a blank stare.

I think I am in a down cycle, that's all. I need to stop thinking about me and start thinking about others. that usually helps me get moving. Drat. The siren song of a horizontal surface calls me. When I look back over what I wrote I think about it and say... she sounds depressed. Mere Baby Blues is all...