IONebula

Behold, the power of Elmo

2011-10-02T07:38:00.002-04:00

This morning, as Elmo came on, Emily walked over to the couch that is Emily sized and sat down, eyes never leaving the screen. Then she gets up and walks closer and closer to the television. It was the same way with Maggie when she was young. Elmo is meant for kids. It drives adults crazy but it isn't meant for us. We have the televison on in the morning on PBS and Sprout, the PBS cable channel in the evening.

I decided that I would not subject my children to adult television because it is not worth the hassle to explain adult situations at this point. I also see nothing valuable about exposing them to silly people acting stupidly, from the commercials to the sitcoms. We normally limit the television watching to sports like football and golf, and Discovery Channel's Mike Rowe, and the Nova's and Wonders of the Universe's in the house. At least, that is my thoughts on it. I used to watch the food network, but it is worthless now, full of crappy "reality-type" drama driven shows. I hate that kind of stuff. I try to learn things from watching TV. Sports are the exception to that rule.

So the TV watching in the house is dictated most of the time by the youngest. Not that we put on what they want to watch, no, it is not that. It is just that we are mindful of the smallest eyes in the house (other than the cat of course) and think about it. Call me snooty or whatever, I don't care. I also limited the princess items in the household while MM was young but now I have given in. It was horrific how early the marketing begins and Sesame Street is not exempt from that either. I guess it is being mindful of that.... because we changed out the princess for the Elmo when she was young... but it is still consumerism. I look back now and realize that is what happened. It is hard not to fall into the trap.

So now as the morning progresses, we'll turn off the TV. After Calliou.

Mornings are not a four letter word

2011-09-09T07:51:00.002-04:00

This morning I am enjoying my coffee because tomorrow morning will be hellish. Maggie's party will be fun but there are things to get ready for the party. So I have to make some things happen. Last night I ate too much and now I have a grease hangover and my liver was pissed at me for it and kept me up. I am annoyed and so to piss it off even more I took some Vicodin this morning to help with back pain which will make me sweat like a banshee. Just like pretty much every thing is causing me to sweat. Sugar and white flour... it is amazing.

I just hope that people will be coming to her party and that it will be fun. I am hoping. I have a LOT to get done today and tomorrow. argh.

I wish I had my new place to make this happen. Not yet. Soon. The next parties will be at our house. I am so glad for that.

Change and Loss

2011-08-22T14:25:00.004-04:00

I was looking at a wasp nest today. I saw the wasps busy building their nest, laying eggs, caring for the grubs and doing whatever it is that is needed to be done. I watched at a nice safe distance as my girl napped in her car seat. It is getting on the end of summer and I want to nest myself.

Right now I am working on getting my house ready to sell and trying to figure out how I am going to make it all happen so I can move into the house that is for me, a mix of perfection and longing. I wanted this house as soon as I saw it. It was so incredibly beautiful and it had all that I wanted. It has a few warts. I saw beyond the small issues and cosmetic items. I looked at the solidly built wonderfulness and knew that it was what we needed. I feel like I am getting ready to tidy my nest and move on. It seems like the end of summer brings the changes of life.

There is a rip in my heart right now as a friend has to suddenly go away. I am mourning the loss of her structure and her nest as a tragedy stripped her of her livelihood. I am sad for her and her children as they face new unknowns. I am concerned for her safety. I will miss her because I saw her daily for almost 5 years. She has helped me as much as I have helped her and our relationship is now moving on to another stage. I am sad for that, because I will miss seeing my friend. But she will always be my friend.

Sometimes I wonder whether we are all just like the wasps, building nests, creating our own lives and creating offspring where they will build nests. But I don't think wasps contemplate their existence. I don't think that wasps navel gaze. If they do not procreate and continue on, eventually the species would die out. But would they find a nice condo to buy and move to Boca for the winter?

Change happens. It always occurs. Every day. Small things make big differences in our lives. Little things we do make a difference in the outcome of our lives. How is it that I can be okay with knowing that and still not be okay with this change? It is the suddenness? No chance to prepare? The fact that Em will not have the same kind of experience that MM did? It makes me want to cry and rail against God for causing these kinds of tragedies in our lives.

I have always thought that things happen for a reason though I do not know the reason behind why things happen. I have to trust and have faith that it will be okay and that God will watch out and take care of my friend and her children. Crisis can make us stronger.

Well, this house isn't going to fix up itself. I should get to work.

Well So Much For That....

2011-08-20T05:52:00.003-04:00

Yeah the whole posting with Children thing does not work well for me. How long has it been? a month? Two? I cannot seem to find the time to write, yet this morning I am compelled to at least find some times to scrawl things down.

It is dark, quiet, and my little world sleeps other than the cat demanding that her hunger be put to rest, then she rails on after I put the food down about something else, jumps into my lap while I sit at the computer and write and then goes on to try to wake up other people as well. Hush little girl! There is a small candle lit at the table, flickering at the air conditioner's hum. There is a warm cup of tea waiting for me at my elbow. I just heard the quiet snort of my husband in the bedroom. I thought it was his rumblings that kept me awake, but it was my own body.

Ever since my gallbladder was removed, I cannot ingest large quantities of alcohol, fats or medication without my liver giving me grief in the form of keeping me up at night. It is as if it wants me to share in the joy and misery of ridding my body of toxins and last night was not helpful for it. A glass of red wine, the wrong item served to me with a spicy red sauce with bacon in it... it was tasty and a vicodin chaser at night due to back pain. It all leads up to me rolling over and over, cursing softly at my husband for snoring and "keeping me up" but in fact it is my own misery that does so.

That's ok. I am starting something new in September and we will see how it goes. Perhaps I can dial it back so that perhaps I can enjoy just one glass of wine... and yes, I realize that taking a pill not long after wine is really not a good idea. I dream of smaller clothes that do not look like tents.

The sun is finally turning the world gray in its quest to rise. The neighborhood is coming to light around me, the neighborhood I despise right now. I feel like the house worked for me before, but now we are bursting at the seams with stuff and clothes and toys and kitchen paraphernalia. My eyes are set on a new house not far from here. I put down a deposit on it and now we are working hard to sell ours.

But the working hard part is the issue. We are spending money on it, but not putting the sweat equity and labor into it. It is as if we are both saying, you first without saying it. I rented a storage box, but have yet to open and put the boxes that I have had done for some time into it. That will come with time. I should be doing a box a day. 30 minutes a day and I scoff. It sounds great on paper and in my counselor's office, but just like writing, finding the time...

So I am taking Monday off of work to do the inspection on the house I want to buy and to look at the stuff in the living room. My plan is to leave the items they play with the most, books, blocks, and a few annoying electronic things and box up the rest so that we can get a handle on the stuff factor. Then we will move along with boxing up stuff. and then I get to pull off the wallpaper in the living room and prep the walls for paint. I am not sure what I will find. It looks ugly.

I still love this house but it feels like an albatross.

Right away

2011-08-05T14:56:00.002-04:00

I have been procrastinating on doing a lot of things.

But I am working on a game plan to make it happen.

I keep thinking about something that I want to do and actually I want to do some more creative things. So I will work towards that.

And my game plan is coming together. It will work.

Happy days... are here again.

And I know that sounds cheesy.... but I am crawling out of a dark hole and into the light.

The abyss

2011-06-08T22:28:00.002-04:00

I am in an abyss. It's a mental one. I see my girls and I hug them and I love them, but my happiness doesn't reach my soul. The desire to do is gone. I am existing. But I do not feel like I am doing.

The laundry, the dishes, the table only are cleared when it is necessary. I forget things. My world shrinks to work church and children. I am shocked at my lack of knowledge of things and then i just don't care.

I want it to be different. I just don't know what to do to make it better.

How's that change working out?

2011-04-17T23:48:00.002-04:00

Yeah, not so much... well blogging wise. I haven't posted since January. Looked down at my belly and the roll of skin and fat that hangs over the edge and I thought, I hope people do not think I am with child again, because that is sure as heck how it looks! I did the monument ave 10K with no training whatsoever and was positive I would keel over. But in fact I did the walk in about 2 hours which wasn't bad. Solid 20 minute miles. Now, granted, most people can walk faster than I can. I don't care. Year 4. Coming up on 5 years with the race for the cure and I am excited. Looking forward to that as well. Wish I could run. I still need to learn how. Job sucked for awhile. Now it doesn't. I have to do better and keep my eyes open for what it is I am really looking to do. I do NOT want to be in the same place after 20 years. UGH. But the challenge of what I do right now is enough for me and that is fine. This does not mean I am looking for a job. On the contrary, I am looking for my passion. Happy that the taxes are done, mind is swirling. I am cold and I should really go to bed. I think I will take my own advice. Until next time.

Change

2011-01-25T09:26:00.003-05:00

Change for the most part is a good thing, even if you do not think that it is when you are in the middle of it. In thinking about it from a completely selfish perspective, the changes that I make to my life can affect other people, but I am concerned about my perspective here and no one else's. That may seem rude, but I am narrowing this focus.

My life changed for better or worse when I married a man stricken with cancer while I was in my 20's. His death was incredibly tough to handle and I shut down for a year or so. I went back to school and before I graduated, had a crisis and never finished. The pictures of me walking mock me along with my moldy MA cape and empty degree folder.

Now I am married again, with 2 children, and finding myself shutting down again. Not sure which direction to go, what I really should be doing, but I am unsatisfied with what is going on in my life. Not with my marriage, or my children, but the purpose beyond that. I am unsatisfied with the position I find myself in and I want to change.

I want to make a difference in my health, for my children's sake. I am too tired and I need my body to be there for me as I age. I'm too fat and I don't exercise. I haven't been eating well for about 4 years with bursts of activity/unchanged habits. Something has to change. The other day my baby belly showed it's ugly self when I rolled over on my side and there was a huge slab of flesh that followed the laws of gravity. it's been 7 months since my child has been born. Something has to change.

So I started with buying fresh fruit and vegetables. I carried yogurt and bananas into work. I eat when I am hungry and try to eat things that are better. I am not there yet. The siren song of sweet litle donuts are too hard to resist, but all things in moderation.

The morning after the belly thing I laid down on the bed after my shower and I did 60 crunches. it took about 2 minutes. I did 30 minutes on the Wii. The burn of lactic acid the next day made me smile rather than wince. I wanted to make it happen.

But when I came home last night at 9:30 from a meeting, I found my husband hooked into a TV show and I didn't exercise. I sat and decompressed. I thought about the next day and mentally pulled out clothes and got my morning ready. The baby was up a lot last night and so was I. I slept in until 7:15 and started the morning whirl. I was up last night thinking about change and how I could make a difference.

So here is my thought.... I am going to try to post my changes, my Wii time, my thoughts here as I work towards a goal of changing to be healthier. I weigh 240 pounds. I am currently in a size 20/22 (2X) and I am ready to make a change for the future. I was hoping that this will help me as another vehicle for change. I think I am ready. And along the way, maybe I can find out what it is I am really supposed to be doing with my life.

The journey starts today.

Oh my

2010-12-16T17:12:00.002-05:00

I suck for not blogging on a regular basis. Too much stress in my life I guess. I started to eat better in the hopes of losing weight, but I seem to be too tired to exercise or think.

I just remembered that I have to work on something for work and I really really really do not have the presence of mind to do it. I hope we get a snow day just like the kids.... if we get the freezing rain, we may be lucky.

When I looked and realized that the last time I blogged was over two months ago.... that is a bad trend. Most of the time I barely have time for me; too busy with being mommy and president and wife and worker. It was nice to be me the other night at a friend's party. But I found myself with people unlike me... a lot of them did not have kids, or were older. But I could still make decent conversation, fueled by a couple glasses of a fabulous red wine.

I realized that I have no friends outside of work and my place of worship and it is difficult to catch up with people and make the connections... facebook helps but it seems so impersonal compared to having dinner or coffee. I miss some of the people I used to know and it is hard to find some things to talk about sometimes.

I can tell I am not happy with where and what direction my life is going. The question is, what do I do about it? What different choices should I make. What goals and plans do I have? How do you stop and reverse a trend that seems to have a life of its own?

Nerves

2010-10-14T06:59:00.002-04:00

I have nerves. I get nervous when thinking about things I have to do outside of the home. It can really do a number on my gastrointestinal system. My bout of colitis... definitely a result of nerves. The outside pressure went away and the colitis resided. I can feel the stress directly impact my body and I funnel it inward and pretend I can handle it. I can handle it, but it wreaks havoc with my system...

I have considerable pressure over the next coming weeks. I am ready by having my lists, but I need to sit down and think the day and the timing through. I can do this but only if I have a block of time to myself. I may take some time soon to make that happen. Funny how a responsibility earlier this year was no big deal, but this one, writ a bit larger is causing my head to be lighter than usual.

I need to learn to handle this stress a little better. I hate to medicate, but that may be the answer to make the impact on my body less. It seems I need it only once and a while and not all the time. The fact that I am still feeding Emily makes a difference as well. A job position opened up above mine at work and I had a fleeting thought but it is too much stress and I do not need that in my life right now. No thanks. I know my job and I can do it. it is utterly boring but the opportunity for analysis makes it better.

This morning I get to deal with a customer and get their things sheparded through the system, check them before they go to print and make things happen. I am excited about that. What I am NOT looking forward to is the fallout coming on Friday.

Sigh. At least it will be Friday. Time to find something to wea for myself and the girls and get rolling. At least I can handle going to work. I can recognize things. That in itself is helpful.

A case of the Mondays

2010-10-10T20:32:00.002-04:00

Monday is tomorrow.

Somehow, something that I should have done a month ago is still on my desk. Perhaps tomorrow I can make it happen.

Somehow, the table is covered with stuff. Again. This seems to be a daily occurence.

Somehow, the laundry I was so dilligent about doing is clean, but still in the baskets. not folded, not put away.

The black darkness of a long day creeps over me and I am ready for sleep.

Monday will come. These things can wait.

Muffin top

2010-09-29T08:47:00.003-04:00

This morning and yesterday morning, I had a muffin for breakfast along with two egg whites. It's Wednesday meaning that I could have had a Belgian Waffle in the cafeteria, but I yoinked the last oat bran muffin and squirreled it upstairs. Other days I eat eggs and potatoes, but I have trying to trend towards more healthy eating. I also recognize that if I want to take advantage of the calorie consumption that rolls parallel with lactation, I really need to watch the extra 500 calories I have been ingesting daily. Last night I had the pleasure of eating Breuster's strawberry ice cream and it was tart and fabulous. I covered it with butterscotch caramel and went looking for almonds to top it. Sliced toasted almonds from trader joe's in the cupboard. I pulled the bag down and saw 4 moths coming out of the cupboard. damn. Millet moths, I think they are called. I looked closely at my almond... there was a moth in the bag, tell tale webbing and to make it even more gross, a larvae... bleck. My ice cream was melting and I had nothing to top it. mmm chocolate chips... closed with a nice tight seal. I popped open the seal and on the seal... another larvae. It's a good thing I have a strong stomach. Inspected inside the bag and they had not infiltrated my mini chocolate chips. Ha! I dumped some on the ice cream, swatted the last moths with a swatter and went to enjoy fabulous ice cream, drippy with caramel and resplendent in chocolate.

So this morning, as yesterday, I ate the muffin from the bottom up. I love muffin tops. I bought a muffin top pan, but it is gone now, I had it for awhile, but the muffin tops were just not the same. You need that large apparatus on the bottom to make the top a true crowning glory. It is a good 400 calorie muffin with lots of fat sugar and the redeeming quality of fiber. I love saving the muffin top until last, enjoying the crunch of caramelized sugar.

I am deflecting. I know I need to clean out the whole damn cupboard, check for larvae on every nook and cranny. I know I need to clean the kitchen and all the bottles next to the sink for pumping and for Em. I know I need to start saving for a new heat pump, for the repairs on the house and the other million little things. I vegetated last night in front of the TV instead of working on the stuff for church, or the house or the finances. I feel guilty about that, know that the work is piling up. But I am taking a moment. Maybe a few moments... so I do not go insane. I am enjoying my muffin top, savoring the sweetness. I am enjoying moments in my life and trying not to let them pass me by in my quest for the house to be clean, work to be done, and things that have to be done. I am enjoying my muffin top. I am enjoying my life in its small sweet bites.

Gross

2010-09-13T22:13:00.002-04:00

So I am the middle of a purge... I have a medical procedure and I have to drink all this stuff and it is super disgusting. I sound like I am 16, but ugh. it really is gross. And all i want is a damn cheeseburger.

Well I will get to eat after I am finish with this tomorrow afternoon. I remember the fist thing I ate was some sugary cereal with some kind of coloring. I swear it came out the same way. I didn't each much of it after that.

It has been a rough couple of weeks, getting back to work, dealing with some personal things and trying to keep up with church. I am a leader. I just want it to be easy. Leading is not easy. I can want it, but it is not going to happen.

I keep thinking about how I can make a difference. How can I be a positive force for change? How can I make things work better? What can I do to make a difference?

Can I make those changes as a leader and make my surroundings better? Can I learn to do things differently? Can I help people see that although the change may not be easy, it may be necessary for survival?

In some ways I feel like I have been skating by and not accomplishing much. Especially with exercise. I have been lax in exercise. I hope I can change that.

Today

2010-09-06T13:35:00.002-04:00

14 years since my first husband died. it was a lifetime ago because it seems like another life.

Michael was a dear sweet man and I loved him. He is still with me and I think about him from time to time. Sometimes I wonder what our life would be like had that cancer not happened. I do not think about it too often because truly that is living in the past. It was another lifetime. I had to leave Indiana and move away to stop being a widow at 24.

Your life moves in odd directions for odd reasons. The tiniest chance makes the difference.

When I look at my children today, children that have nothing to do with Michael... they are my life as it stands today. I should be grateful for their smiles and giggles. I am glad they are part of my life. My husband too.

But today I think about Michael. Today my brain roams in the past. Today I wonder.

Tomorrow is something else altogether.

Welcome back!

2010-09-01T09:56:00.002-04:00

I keep hearing those words... welcome back!

I started back to work on Monday. It has been interesting. My stress level is up high and I am concerned about too many things to enumerate. My exercise level has not been high but I did manage to walk up the stairs yesterday.

In the meantime I am sweating like a banshee all night. So I know my body is burning calories to produce sweat like that. Wish I knew why, I have been doing that for a while now. I wake up and my hair is wet. I sweat through my head. When I get out of the shower, I start sweating. When I drink something hot... or eat something spicy, or start doing the tiniest bit of exertion, or get frustrated.

So I don't know if I should worry about it or try to investigate further. I will do some of the latter.

Doing Something

2010-08-09T09:38:00.004-04:00

My friend Therese Lee invited me to a 10 day fitness challenge. So I thought, well 10 days before I go back to work, that can work, right?

Looked over the list: 2 liters of water a day, a cup of green tea, 5 serving of fresh fruit and veg, 8 hours of sleep and 1 hour of exercise.

water? No problem, I drink that because I am breastfeeding.
green tea? Sure, nice afternoon pick me up.
8 hours of sleep? In a row? Not going to happen.
5 servings of fruit and veg? Sure.
An hour of exercise? Just try to stop me!

So I will try to chronicle this... if I can. Also going to Ohio as well, no C, so I need to rock out my lists and get my newer stroller rolling so I can carry both the girl and the littlest girl.

Serious clutter

2010-07-29T12:15:00.003-04:00

I decided I wanted to clean the dining room today. I have serious clutter issues. I found stuff that I will never use again, I found items tucked into corners, I found lots and lots of crap. I am putting my clutter buster glasses on and looking at the stuff from a different perspective and going to try like heck to purge purge and purge again. But I know one of the things I would like to do is to stop my own purchases of said crap. One of the reasons is to replace the crap I cannot find... that is sad... because it is hidden under more crap! ARGH.

So in the effort to spend less money, I am trying to organize items so that I do not have to purchase any more stuff that is not needed. I want to use up what I have. So why do I have this pathological need to get more paper plates because I have too many napkins that match? Seriously? Seriously. I am crazy. I have no idea why I want to have that. I love to have nice things that match, something that is lost on my husband. Well, maybe not lost. Not important. If they were iron covers, they'd match. Napkins? Maybe... it just wouldn't have the same importance.

SO I am going to try to clear out a spot on the table to eat lunch and make an effort to clear out more stuff. I think I need a bigger trash bag.

Boredom

2010-07-27T12:36:00.003-04:00

I should be working on things but I am not. I am bored and I want to play. I want to eat. I want to do anything but what I am supposed to be doing. Not really a good way to be on a Tuesday, is it? I ate 2 pieces of banana bread and then a meat loaf sandwich and I thought I was hungry but really I am thirsty.

So I drank a liter of water and I guess I need to drink more. Littlest Girl is finally out after fighting sleep and some tummy time. Which means I have about 2 hours to *do* something. The tasks I have to do are staring me in the face with their tongues sticking out, nyah nyah nyah, you'll never complete US. You will just fritter your time until Em wakes up and then not get anything done today.

Well I would like to get things done. But my brain has spun it all away. Drat. I made a list of things I have to do and I should follow the list. But I am avoiding it. I am not playing games, or watching TV. I flit between facebook and Fark.com, burping up the meat loaf sandwich and realize there are 4 work hours until I have to pick up the girl. Given the fact it is only 81 degrees, perhaps I will venture upstairs to handle the item on my list of things to do. One item. We'll see what happens after that.

I was thinking about the Wii and the fun we had with it. We will be able to enjoy that more when there is room. I could go up and play or do Wii fit. But it strikes me as a waste. Most things do these days. Games like sudoku and puzzles and other things. If someone asked me what I was interested in right now I would give them a blank stare.

I think I am in a down cycle, that's all. I need to stop thinking about me and start thinking about others. that usually helps me get moving. Drat. The siren song of a horizontal surface calls me. When I look back over what I wrote I think about it and say... she sounds depressed. Mere Baby Blues is all...

Exercise... Finally

2010-07-26T13:47:00.004-04:00

I did a walking DVD as it is close to 100 outside. It annoyed me. The woman was too cheeky and I kept getting distracted by all the crap on top of my dresser... so I pulled everything off of it while I marched in place. I also put on the wrong one and I had to modify. They wanted me to jog and that is not happening yet. So I kept marching. I figured that I could at least move my happy butt while doing it. It was scary, the contents on top of my dresser filled a laundry basket... it was out of control.

Did not get sweaty, the reason why was the headache that has been aching to bust through all morning did so right in the middle of the workout. I looked over at my water bottle. Still full from last night. The Littlest Girl let me sleep until 3 (5+hours) and then woke again around 6. I did NOT go back to bed, but got up and got everyone going. Dropped MM off and went to the store... then got back and took care of some things. But I did not drink enough water and now I am in deficit. Add blood pressure raising from the workout and my head could not take higher intensity, so I kept my marching, downed a liter of liquid and kept moving but without the higher intensity... so... not aerobic, but my butt finally feels like it got some exercise.

Will free-cycle some of the items on my dresser that I will not use... and other items can be thrown away or sorted and put away. Part of my downfall. Things do not get put away in their proper spot. I am going to try to work on that.

I was thinking about joining weightwatchers but then I realized that if I really thought about it, I could do it myself. I should not look to an outside source to tell me what I know already. I need to reduce my saturated fat intake and instead focus on Omega3's and healthy fats. That my caloric consumption should be watched so as to not go overboard. I am breastfeeding and I really cannot "diet" because I actually HAVE to eat more. I looked online and someone reposted the "points" for WW and a lactating mom get 12 extra points... that's a Big Mac... HA! Doesn't mean I should eat one.

So now that I have accomplished 2 items on my list for today, I need to feed the Littlest One and begin prep for dinner. Meat Loaf... yum. yeah yeah yeah I know... does it help that it is made with pork, turkey and beef? And that my meat loaf rocks? I may have to find that CD for prep work. And some ibuprofen for this headache.

Random Bits

2010-07-17T08:36:00.003-04:00

I have spent virtually 2 weeks away from home. I was in Ohio, attending an engagement party for my sister who after 45 years on the planet, has found someone. I also attended my 20th high school reunion... and forget to say hi to Matt Spellman. I think I met up with everyone but him. Maybe in the next 20 years. 10 days in Ohio with my parents. I love my parents.

As a result, my thoughts on exercise and diet have been on hiatus since then. The balance of the time has been spent at church feeding people for Vacation Bible School. Our church does an evening variety with dinner in the beginning. Next year I am going to focus on sustainable food and not go with what is convenient. I want to try a couple of new things that I will have to test on my family this coming year.

One of the things that I am going to do is get away from the convenience. Prepacked, presauced, scary stuff with astronomical caloric indices. There are at least 4 of them in the freezer. We will eat them, because I do not want to waste food, but I will not buy them again. Yes they are convenient. But they are really bad for us. So no more.

My mother said I need to clean off the top of the refrigerator. That is where our snacks are. She is right. There is too much stuff up there. I will get it cleaned off and get the "snacks" away from our family. Will I throw it away? Probably not. But I will get rid of old things and not buy new ones. My daughter loves fruit snacks. I am working on going for the fruit leather and not the small packs endorsed with characters that entice her. We will go through what we have. No more. Can I actually stop buying them? At this point I have enough to last another 3 months. I think so.

My baby belly is not going to go away on its own. I feel the deep need to exercise core muscles that will pull in that belly. But my bigger concern is my husband's belly. It is too big. I really want to measure it and start him (and myself) on a path of better eating. Perhaps I can get him to work with me on that. He is on meds for HBP and I want him to be off of that medicine. I have a feeling he could if he lost the weight. Perhaps I should stop making cookies that he will vaporize as well and wash the cookie jar and hide it back under the counter until fall.

So I have to work on a plan for the both of us. Most would say throw out the crappy food and start fresh. Nah. We will ease into this and get it done. Right now I have visions of Cinnabon dancing in my head. Cinnabon. Evil crap. I can make good cinnamon rolls but for some reason it sticks in my head. I love those cinnamon bites from the pretzel store in the mall. Greasy evil crap. Worst thing for you, white flour, sugar, grease.... and the tastiest thing under the sun. I am trying to separate the taste from the obvious badness that it is. Obviously I am not doing a good job with visions of dripping cinnamon. *sigh*

Breastfeeding makes me hungry. I am trying to get my body to harvest calories from itself, but I still have to ingest some. The trick is not to give in to the dripping Dali-like rolls and instead find something that might be healthy.

We have to go to the store today, then to a barbecue. I want to bring brownie bites and some cookies. Would love to make something but nothing will hold up in the heat today. So we will get our shopping done and roll over later to the 'burg and make it happen.

Perhaps I am a little off with the 5 hours of sleep, but it was 5 continuous hours. I finally got the girl to sleep after 3 solid hours of trying to feed her, change her diaper and rocking incessantly. I was tired and very very cranky.

Speaking of the girl, the youngest, she is awake and it is time to roll.

Idiots

2010-07-05T07:24:00.004-04:00

I really despise idiots. My husband says that I project. I project my values and ideas of the way things should be when I talk about them. I could talk about them in a clinical way, I could just write about the facts, but this would be boring.

My ideas of fun do not coincide with their ideas of fun. From what I could tell, their ideas of fun were inciting their mad dogs to fight with each other, barking like crazy. Yelling and talking loudly and setting off random fireworks. We were sitting out on the deck enjoying the beautiful weather when the young man next door cranks over some type of vehicular device meant for riding through the mud and on trails. It was large, heavy, loud, with absolutely no type of exhaust system. Did I mention it was loud? The young man decided to ride said vehicle up and down his yard (the whole 2+ acres) and then out onto the street. (It is a dead end street at the end of a township). The gas fumes permeated the yard and woke up my 4 week old with the decibels. It was 8 o'clock in the evening. My sister called the sheriff to complain. They made it out there by 9:30 and caught him on the road and gave him a ticket.

After the sheriff left, the young man sat in his yard and revved his 4-wheeler for a full 2 minutes at full throttle. It woke up my kid again and filled our house with gas fumes. He did this not once but twice. My mother called again to complain. My parents went to bed and then the fireworks started. It's midnight, Em is still awake and I can hear them talking through the open window about being quiet so that they won't wake up the lady next door. (whatever) The smell of gunpowder drifts through the window (There is no central air in this house) as I finally get to sleep. When I wake up, the sooty smell of a bonfire permeates the house.

So who is the idiot in this story? Was it us for calling the sheriff and ticking off the neighbor? Was it the neighbor for being such a dolt to own a vehicle such as that with no place to ride it? The neighbor for having such ideas of fun? Oops, I a projecting again.

I have some friends who own these vehicles in Virginia. They ride them on trails. Their nearest neighbor is a mile away. Their actions do not affect their neighbors. Their bonfires are not an issue, nor their dogs. My niece has one of these here in Ohio. She rides them on trails and she says they are fun. I am sure they are. They are not MY type of fun. My niece knows better than to ride one late at night or on the road.

I guess that is the difference. The difference is knowing better. Knowing that your actions affect others. Knowing that the possibility of what you do affects the people around you... and caring about it. I guess that is the difference.

Late night snacks

2010-07-04T03:34:00.002-04:00

No, not for me.

I am up at this ungodly hour due to feeding my child, who has decided to have just one more snack before nodding off. We have been up for a while due to the cluster feedings that she has been doing at least once a day... this one came during the dark hours.

I have been battling a headache for 2 days now. It was a full blown migraine last night and now it is the bruise of a headache with lovely minor flashes. I have to drink more water.

So now at 4:09 am when she is finally getting to sleep and I have downed 20 oz of water, the gnawing hunger comes, a by-product of producing milk... great now I have the lovely cow images in my head. As much as I would like to refrain from eating in the middle of the night, it is a necessity... I usually have to eat every 3-4 hours... something. So my snack is almonds. It is my favorite snack. nutrient rich and calorically dense. It only takes a few.

I am not going to freak out about the fact that my 20th High School Reunion is less than a week away and I look like crud. I will get my hair done and I will wear some decent clothes. As much as I wish I could have worked on my lovely body the best I have been able to do has been to lose the weight I put on since I discovered I was pregnant.

All I really want to do is exercise and get some tone back in my body. Yes as much as lean and mean sounds good, it is not my goal right now. How about walking a couple of miles with the stroller. But being up at 4am doesn't help. It is part and parcel of this part of baby-life. It makes it difficult to accomplish anything during the day, like getting into the shower and getting new clothes on. I am glad I have 8 more weeks to figure this out.

OK, time to go back to bed and attempt more sleep. Here's hoping MM does wake up... again. 3 hours would be nice and I am eating into it by blogging. Sleep... sleep. Sleep.

Back from Mommyland

2010-06-23T06:54:00.002-04:00

For the last two weeks I have been a human milk machine and keeping a young one alive from the outside of my body rather than the inside.

Em was born on June 6th because I actually wanted my doc to do it and she was fantastic. I was smart about it as well. I asked to be induced on a Sunday while she was on duty, it was quiet and she was there almost the entire time, unheard of in L&D. I got my epidural. My doctor said I made it look to easy. 3 very big pushes and she was out! The pressure was not fun, but it was fine. It got me where I needed to be. My 17 year old niece was there and got to cut the cord.

Now, two weeks later, I am back below my pre-pregnancy weight. I was retaining a LOT of water. My feet look halfway normal. Now the quest will begin to find a way to exercise with a 2 week old. Not sure how we will do that, but we'll try.

Coffee is brewing and I have the new Evanovich novel to finish and get back to the library. MM is home today due to a sick babysitter. This day should be interesting. I told MM we are going to Target and she wanted to get dressed immediately. First time for everything.

Tired

2010-06-04T21:21:00.002-04:00

Due date... and no Emily. Rats.

I was hoping, but no, instead... we get to induce on Sunday morning.

Now I get to go to bed and think about the other stuff tomorrow.

But part of me wishes it were over and that I could get on with the next phase. I am anxious to meet my next girl.

But mostly I am tired. And my feet are large and they hurt from edema.

Still here

2010-06-01T10:18:00.002-04:00

But oh, am I feeling it today and my brain still has some power left, but my body does not. I ended up waking at 3 in the morning to comfort MM and now I am dragging. I ended up going back to sleep at 5:30 after working for about 2 hours on stuff for work. Em was up at 3:30 and just bouncing in my stomach. It was a concern... but then I have a tendency to push to the extremes of thought and think... what if ... like what if my water broke and I didn't know it? Would I continually leak? What if it happened while I was in the pool and didn't know? What if she is having trouble and the 3 or 4 minutes of continuous constant movement was a sign of trouble? That's enough to keep anyone anxious and awake.

Perhaps I am being overly dramatic. I hate drama.

So after a really slow start this morning, I am working on work items this morning and getting ready to clean off my desk. I am getting that feeling that I am close and once this starts, it will go a heck of a lot quicker than before. i do not remember my hips feeling like this prior. All i want to do now is make this happen for Emily so my body can start bouncing back. She and I will get through this together and make it happen.

sweating again

2010-05-30T19:48:00.002-04:00

I am sitting here and sweating. i think it is part of the fluid retention going away, but I just replace it with more liquid. I have to keep myself from being dehydrated which has major consequences. I try to keep myself very motivated when it comes to liquid, I feel like that will be how I can keep the milk supply going eventually.

Em is active and moving. Contractions are happening but not in any rhythmic way. They come and go occasionally. Some of them are lighter which could be Em just stretching the right way. Others, well, ou know... they take your breath, and you have to breathe through them.

Had a baptism at church this morning and I got choked up about it. It is wonderful to see these things happen. Then I did junior church with MM and one other girl. I know MM would not sit through the service. eventually... but not now. One thing I was glad to say is that I found something I thought was lost and I am very glad I found it. Now I can focus on the things that need focus.

I hit the store this afternoon and stocked up on items. I had coupons and there were some things on sale. I also got coupons in the mail from Kroger and I used them; I even got things for free, which was very nice. Like a box of cheerios and some yogurt. I picked up some chips due to a need for guacamole which I will make tomorrow and some golden delicious apples that looked wonderful. MM likes her apple slices.

I was thinking about some of the things that we still have left to do, but one thing is done. MM's new dresser is put together. My hubby did it well and it is very nice. We also got her an extra wardrobe but it may not be needed due to the size of this dresser. Well, we still haven't carved out a space yet for Em. I imagine we will get there and then I need to ready the house for visitors... which I will need a couple of hands to make that happen.

Looking forward to some ice cream this evening. Trying to decide between a fantastic dark chocolate mint and chunky monkey. tough tough tough decision.

Funny, I was also looking for something else and I found yet another tube of antibiotic ointment. can you every have too much??

My this post is rambling. Ah well, tomorrow morning I am going to make carrot cake, MM and I will do the pool and the swing and have a great day. C has golf in the morning and then over to my brother's house for dinner. i need to remember to marinate the steaks. i also made a pasta salad and cut up some carrot and apple slices for snacks tomorrow. I am trying to avoid the whole sugar snack issue.

I look forward to tomorrow, knowing that Emily could throw a monkey wrench into it all... but that is ok.it will be nice to finally meet her.

water water

2010-05-29T11:25:00.002-04:00

So it is coming to the end of in vitro time... less than a week to the due date. Em is active in there and it is all I can do to keep the water coming in an effort to stave off edema. The last week when MM was ready I could barely walk and I was wearing flip flops. I am trying not to have that happen. I am thirsty a lot and i have to watch the sugar intake. But sometmes the cravings are there. I did not go insane for anything today at target except for cherry poptarts. I shared a pack with MM. I had a protein shake too, recognizing that my sugar crave is protein in disguise.

We went to the farmer's market and I bought beautiful carrots, zucchini and squash (mine is not ready yet) and some fresh bratwurst. I also found peach butter, and strawberries. I plan on making some shortcakes... and I should probably find a nice ripe peach for my hubby so he can have peach shortcake instead. Strawberry shortcake is one of my favorite and even though I have air whipped cream, it will do just fine. One less bowl to wash.

C is outside putting up the canopy and trying out the new toy, an air compressor and blowing up the new pool. He is facing some issues with the pool so we will hold off making a trek outside just yet. I will ready our things and then get her lunch ready for a picnic, get our towels and head out once he gets the pool filled. It is not quite ready for action and the water will be cold. So i will get the other things ready and maybe take a rest in the swing if a certain little girl can not wiggle so much.

I really need to pull the stuff out upstairs. Carseat and the like. There is also the breast pump that I want to use so that MM can try a hand at feeding. No formula yet, thank you. No contractions other than an occasional one here and there. Most of the whoa moments come from Em stretching. I remember MM doing that.

So...I guess I will do some of the stuff upstairs, like find my maternity swim suit and MM's towel. and pull out those things if I have the yen. funny I sit in this chair at the Dr table and all I can feel is Em's head pressing on my pelvic bones as if to remind me that time is closer than ever.

Great morning to be alive

2010-05-27T07:27:00.003-04:00

Feeling good and I have some energy, probably because I haven't eaten. I know that sounds odd. I have had coffee and it tastes so good.

Charles' birthday present arrived yesterday and I am so excited. I am excited to give it to him and I hope that he will be too.

We get to go to dinner by ourselves and that should be great. Cloth napkins!!! I divide restaurants that kid friendly versus not by the type of napkin. If they have paper napkins, usually it is ok. All chains like the Apple restaurant and chili peppers use a form of cloth but it is still paper. And they have crayons. That's kid friendly. I am looking for a someplace where for 2 hours, that is not my focus. I would rather my focus be him. I think it is extremely selfish of parents to take their kids to a restaurant with cloth napkins IF their kids are not schooled on proper dinner etiquette. If I pay a lot of money for food, I expect the atmosphere to be part of it. We are working on proper dinner etiquette and until that is driven home, MM will not see a restaurant like that. Some days she does better than others. But if she is tired or cranky, you might as well get it to go or just stay home.

We might actually make it out the door on time today! I won't hold my breath. It is a humid morning where any exertion brings on a pool of sweat. I remember this happens in late May and early June. I start to get moving or exert energy and it gushes from my forehead. That was happening yesterday after I ate something sugary. Or drank something sugary. That tells me that I am getting close on insulin and I need to take a step back from the sugar. I have been craving it lately which is really a need for protein. At least the recognition is there.

Well before we leave I need to throw some laundry in. then I will have to wipe off the sweat and roll on out of here. doc appointment today, so we will see what happens.

making a choice

2010-05-26T07:02:00.002-04:00

I can choose to be negative... and I have. In the past there have been the true Negative Nancy kinds of days. I try to choose to be positive. it takes just as long to see the good side as it does the bad and I am trying hard to ignore the bad in the sense of if it not affecting me, I really don't want to know. but not in the head in the sand kind of way. bad things, when I hear about them, then truly have an effect on me. I am lessening my dullness to horror, increasing my sensitivity to other's pain.

There are days when I am irritated and it affects me more. When I am tired or ill and I just don't have the energy. I want to lash out at the world. Who doesn't have days like that?

MM just lined up our pink flip flops and counted them in Spanish, and now she is wearing my pink ones. She is a funny, fantastic girl... Em will be different, i am fairly certain of that.

The cat is sitting next to me and i am finishing a second bowl of cereal. I have berry berry kix which have less sugar. Mm is having some and Em seems to enjoy them and is the one who asked for more. At least that is how it seems.

My eating has been exponential it seems and I need to feed my body good stuff... which hasn't been on the list. Not enough veg, too many carbs... But I am craving them so... cereal. spaghetti. milk.

Now I really want to go back to bed. Just for 20 minutes, but that is really not an option with work and a young lady who is quite exuberant in the morning. Some days I have energy when I wake up and then it vanishes once i shower and eat something. probably carb crash.

i put my shoes on as soon as I got out of the shower. it is going to be a day of lots of water to bring the swelling down. But right now, all I want is sleep.

i remember this happening with MM in the womb. just a little nap, right? I knew I should have made coffee first thing... ack. choices... I was talking about choices and I rambled off somewhere.

better

2010-05-25T07:47:00.003-04:00

much better this morning... I did end up taking some benadryl, which made for no itching until 3 in the morning when , the itching returned. Little spots of it... itch itch itch. arm, thigh, back... but it seems to be getting better. I worried about perhaps a unknown disease or something silly like that... then I decided that being overly dramatic really wasn't my style. I did my research and checked on line...

I made a list of things to finish at work today. There were 4 jobs I left in my queue from yesterday.... Yeah.. I left the 40 page powerpoint for this morning. I figured I did not have the brian power last night, but this morning is a different story.

I have a good cup of coffee and I have to get my breakfast on, but I am doing well otherwise. MM looks very cute in her new dress.

That's all for now.

humph!

2010-05-24T21:29:00.002-04:00

well my back hurts... and I am not sure if it from the too much salt and not enough water thing... I can't tell, but my legs are swollen. There is some tightening in my belly but that could be from the lack of water; BH contractions are brought on by that...

Still would like to hold out for June, but as someone said today... I have no control over that.

So I am working on my thank yous for the shower and from people who gave me lovely gifts at work... I do dearly love them all.

The cat is sitting on me here at the table, waiting for me to go to bed... I am almost there. I have been really tired today and someplace horizontal would be nice. I did get my work done, so I feel more caught up. Would like to get to work closer to 8 tomorrow... we'll see what happens... at this point, I just want to finish stuff up. feel like I would like to call it after this week and not have to go next week, but something tell me to hold off on that given what MM was like... again, not my call.

Another couple of spots of eczema... itch...

Looking to put my feet up... maybe some cold compresses to bring down the swelling.... they hurt and it is hard to flex the feet. I will see if the upload of water will help the situation... I guess red sauce for dinner was not the smartest thing to do, but heavens it was tasty.

What am I getting myself into...

2010-05-23T07:08:00.002-04:00

I agreed to have my brother and his family over for dinner, which means I get to clean the house... with no help and a birthday party to attend. I would love to not go, but that is not an option. So we will go and I will make lists of all that has to be done, maybe can be done and might get done. At this point, I am hoping to clean off the table. Sad, isn't it?

I realized this morning that we have no birthday present to give so that is an added layer of stress.. that I have no idea what to serve for dinner, another layer, and I really really really do not have a lot of energy this morning. But I will find it somewhere.

last night, I fell asleep quickly woke up only 2-3 times to hit the bathroom. MM came in between 6 and 6:30 so now I am finishing up this blog, will drink my fabulous coffee, find the brown skirt, put the things next to the door that need to be taken to church and start on the note cards for people... along with the thank you cards for people who have given me presents. i have 2-3 more to do.

itch itch itch. finding eczema in other exciting places... maybe I will get my bath tonight and be able to put it to rest. I have a few spots on my face and back and AAAAACK

There is a river of ants on the floor where a piece of brownie dropped. C just called because the server move that they were supposed to be doing without him, involved him anyway... on his golf trip. He has had 3 hours of sleep and is supposed to be on the tee in an hour. That means he will be a barrel of fun later and no help whatsoever.

OK so time to scale back items for the day. itch itch itch. I think we will go with what is important.

I'll do my best to give an update later.

Quick post

2010-05-22T15:13:00.003-04:00

Sitting down cause I loaded the dishwasher and I had to after I finished. Em keeps moving and part of me is like, is that a contraction? So I sat and took a load off for 30 minutes. I am waiting for the bread to rise in the oven and I am trying to avoid making the cookies because I know MM wants to help. That mean I have to get all the ingredients ready for her. She said chocolate chip but I am thinking oatmeal raisin. One of hubby's favorites.

I made brownies this morning for tomorrow so i figure I can get the brownies and cookies on a platter for tonight and take it so I do not have to try to manage that tomorrow. Shortly I have to turn up the oven to 450, I was contemplating making rosemary cheese biscuits as well because i have had a yen for them, the oven will be up and it is another dish. Not sure if I have to bring anything tonight, so I guess I will make those so I can at least have something just in case. Somehow I am going to have to sneak a shower in as well... not sure how that is going to work, but I will wear my cotton dress with its sweater and that should be fine. Tomorrow I have to wear the brown skirt, so I guess I will locate that tonight.

Got part of MM;s room done, again, I took a rest this morning due to the fact that I was up early. It will be done... just not as quickly as I want.

OK, time to get moving on the other pieces... oh and I drank a liter of water. need to get another in. :)

Nesting?

2010-05-22T07:42:00.002-04:00

I am working on trying to get things organized here in the house for the inevitable birth of Miss Emily. Someone made me a diaper cake madeout of rolled up diapers and there are a lot of them, it seems. So I had to break that down and get those in a container to make me not go crazy. Today I will be working on other items as well. I am going to clean MM's room while she is visiting Uncle Andy and it will take some time. I just had the rest of my coffee, cold and ate a peanut butter raisin toast sandwich. MM is watching School House Rock.

Every time i think of something that causes me stress, my eczema itches. That tells me something. There has been some tension at work and that makes it more interesting and makes me itch. There is work to do for church... itch. Then there is my disaster of a house and my husband is not here right now.... itch.

I was sure to put on socks immediately this morning to stave off the swelling and I will be doubling the water today. Read about the "water cure" last night and it is an interesting concept of drinking half of your weight in ounces... for me, right now that is about 125-130 ounces a day. Sad but true. i got on the scale at the doc's office and it was at 263... they did a minor freak out and said that was too much... No kidding, check out my ankles I had pizza and it is 80 degrees out. Of course i am retaining water. i tried to avoid salt today and I couldn't take it... my body was CRAVING IT. Salt and vineagar potato chips never will taste as good as they did yesterday. When i came home from Costco I drank a liter of water before bed and another liter through the night. Come morning, they were not completely down, but better. So more water today to help with that situation. The socks also help keep the fluid from pooling in my feet and allow me to put on shoes. kind of necessary.

The wall just hit for me... not a lot of sleep and being up early... and I am tired already. i tried to lay down but MM is too exuberant this morning and it is irritating. Not her fault, but it is stressful... itch itch itch.

So there you go. I will try to post on my progress later.

picture

2010-05-21T07:28:00.007-04:00

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My helper in making a cake yesterday. This is my 3 year old. Yes she is taller than the stove.

She is tasting the chocolate ganache that is covering the chocolate cake. I messed up the frosting. it was too thick. Yes I know... but it was too thick as I added too much sugar. Do you see the bulge on the side? The mousse did not set up properly for the filling, so it bulged out the sides. But it tasted good. So perhaps I will try it again... sometime.

Boredom

2010-05-18T21:38:00.002-04:00

I have discovered that games are beginning to bore me... well they have for some time now. I guess I go through cycles, but I sat there in front of the screen playing a game and I thought... this is pointless. There is no end to it, really, you could go on playing... what are you avoiding? And i looked at the mess on the table, the pile of presents int he corner and the dishes in the sink... the answers are there to what we are avoiding if we choose to look at them. If we choose.

What good choices should we make? I heard my brother use that line with his children. Make a good choice. I have not tried that with my child. I tell her it is wrong or right. She's 3. later on I will ask her... or I ask her now what should she do next? i am trying to model the spirit of thinking things through. I give her a run down of the events of the day, of what will happen at night, so it is not a surprise. If something different needs to happen, I will tell her that too. Things do change and she needs to know that. So we talk about it so she is aware.

I guess as I think about it I think about the choices of what we do and the choices we make and should we continue to do the things that bore us? why continue to play a game that has no meaning? Should I be reading instead? What should I read? I feel like I haven't picked up a book in ages and I should be reading but i start to read and it bores me. Plot lines, dramas of any kind do not hold my interest.

I do go through this every couple of years... some might call it depression. But I actually think I am coming out of depression. I think i am finally seeing the sun and realizing there is more to life than the computer, facebook and games. Things in my house need to be done in the coming of this tiny new being. Not exactly prepare the royal highway, but that comes to mind. that is what needs to be done... the new way.

I will have to think on this a little more. And my life will be taken up with a preparing. Just like my hips are spreading... I have to prepare for the new. Change is coming. I need to be ready to adapt and spring forth and make something happen. I will embrace the change. Wear it like a light gauze coat that move with the breezes and point me in the direction I need to go.

Feeling showered; garden update

2010-05-16T21:30:00.003-04:00

I had a baby shower today and I was so pleased. It was a lovely time and I was loaded down with diapers and onesies and felt truly showered with love.

Yesterday was a beautiful day as well. MM and I had her siblings class in the morning and then we drove up to Lavender Fields farm and got some herbs for the garden. I have been without sage and basil for a year now and I am determined to try to keep parsley alive. My rosemary is growing strong. I also got some thyme to make up for the stuff I killed last year while trying to transplant it. And I bought a mint plant and planted it in a large circle pot to keep it from growing crazy. The bee balm is looking good this year and the the two or three plants I transplanted from the circle garden are enjoying their new homes nicely. Especially the lavender!! it is really enjoying its new roots and has literally a hundred spikes for blossoms coming. I am very excited about that and it was the one I was really worried about. it had been in its spot for 3 or 4 years now.

I didn't get to the tansy in time so it will have to wait until after it flowers and I think that the other stuff will do fine once it gets moved. it is hard to battle the weeds that love their spot in the garden so I rarely try to fight them every year... usually I remember to mulch around the tomatoes and I have a barrel full of grass to mulch around the zucchini plants but I really am the absent minded gardener. The asparagus have all bolted... they did not do well this year. there was some kind of weirdness on them that I will have to look at to try to prevent next year. My uncle put down wood chips so perhaps I will try that rather than the leaves. might be too wet for them. They were kind of twisted with little black growths on the stalks that looked like they were sucking the plant of its moisture. hmm. I will have to do research.

So I looked over the plants I planted yesterday and gave them a bit more water today... the peas will be very short as I did not string them... might be easier to pick but less volume.

I sat outside and wrote about 50% of the thank you notes for my shower presents and will have to get those finished up tomorrow. MM played outside and generally was doing well, she had things to play with that made a difference and that would hold her attention. oh I forgot to check the caps on the dry erase markers. But if I go outside right now I would be swarmed by a zillion mosquitoes. No thanks.

It is almost 10 so I ought to prepare for Monday morning. I am hoping that I will be able to sleep better this evening. It has been uncomfortable for both of us...

As I am writing I am scratching something on my fingers. Look like I have some sort of rash. little bumps so it could be a poison ivy of some sort or another. i do not remember seeing any but then.. you never know. I will have to get some ointment on it.

Well this was a random post full of all the mushy musing of my pregnant brain. hmmm. One of these days I will post some pictures from my garden. I do have some very pretty flowers.

Woot

2010-05-08T22:07:00.002-04:00

i did the race for the cure this morning and surprisingly I am still upright and lucid. I will admit I am tired... Lots more sun than I anticipated so that takes it out of me.

I have been loading up on liquids. Finally planted some flowers after killing some on the back porch. I really need to be careful about that. But they all got planted and I was glad that I was able to do that. All the lovely dirt that is in the garden is now covered in weeds, and this belly does not allow for that. Also I forgot to string the peas so they are short and beginning to flower. Hard to make up for that.

So i got almost all of the one ones done that I was anticipating on using and I have two more pots to go. The circle garden will have to wait for my mom to dig into it. I am about done. i wish I had a second pair of hands to help with the work that needs to be done around here.

I got rid of most of the linens I had in the last purge and included the covers that were torn or damaged. Problem is I have exactly one cover for the bed, as in coverlet that works for spring/summer. Others I have are doubles and worthless. So guess what I get to buy tomorrow on Mother's Day!? Retail therapy for mommy. That and perhaps a chance to sleep in the hammock for an hour. That would be nice.

Alas, bed is calling.

Cementing faith

2010-05-01T20:30:00.003-04:00

As I sit here and write, my daughter is in the tub, the NASCAR race is on the TV and I am more tired than I have been in a while. I was up very early, baking bread and making potato salad for a funeral. I did not sleep well last night due to consuming some ice cream that had coffee in it. I kept my husband up. I do not think I will do that this evening.

The person who died was a Lutheran pastor who was retired, but still would cover in our church if need be. He had parishes within Virginia in the past, but our church was where he spent his retirement. I knew him as a delightful person who was never without a smile. He and his wife would be a constant in our church.

It was obvious how much this man was loved and revered by the many pastors, the bishop and previous parishioners came to the service. I was amazed by the amount of people. The pews were filled. I arrived 10 minutes before the service and had to hike from across the street at the middle school, waddling the whole way. It was one of the first time there was NO seating within the sanctuary and I was relegated to the Narthex. There were a few good things about this, I was able to get up and use the restroom without disturbing anyone. I was able to hear everything just fine, but the crowning jewel of the day was at the very end I was in the Narthex and I was concerned that I would be standing there singing the last hymn and be in the way. Nothing could be further from the truth. The many pastors who came to this service were circled in the Narthex singing "A Mighty Fortress Is Our God" along with me. The voices in the Narthex rivaled the ones in the sanctuary in their breadth and depth and I was moved to the point of tears. These men and women were singing their hearts out in celebration of a man who lived a long and full life and now has gone to the best reward; a good and faithful servant.

The choir did an anthem of "In Thee Is Gladness" as well. Another song that has a personal meaning and spirit for me. It was the song we sang at my first wedding. Even though I have heard it many times in the past 14 years, it will always be important to me.

Songs have a way of connecting people to a time and event. It is something about the shared space of belonging that is binds us together. A type of solidarity that will never be broken. You remember things when they are connected to sight and smell and song.

I sometimes wonder whether I should look further into pursuing a more rewarding line of work. It would be my wish to help as many people as this man helped. To inspire as many as this man did. Not because I want to see that many people at my funeral, but I guess the desire is more to be a blessing to those who need it. I suppose I don't need a line of work for that... but the calling seems to be there... just not sure what it is saying to me.

I know this is outside my usual posting of fitness and making myself into a better person... but perhaps it works...

Happy Anniversary

2010-04-29T07:31:00.002-04:00

to my parents, my papa and my mommy.

My papa has been the best Dad ever, coming into my life when I was a teenager and always there for me. He walked me down the aisle and I will always love him dearly.

My momma sacrificed much of her life to raise her 3 children by herself until 1989 when she married my papa, after most of them were grown.

3 cheers for my parents. They are the best.

Funny

2010-04-24T11:01:00.002-04:00

Going to look like I will be walking today with my outfit but the truth is, it wasn't on my agenda... maybe later if it stops raining.

Two songs came on the radio that I haven't heard in a while. makes me wish I had more access to my CDs so I could listen to them more often. Ventura Highway by America, and Union of the Snake by Duran Duran. Yes they are on opposite ends of the spectrum. For some reason they speak to different parts of my life.

Made some cookies this morning for hubby to take to Bop Bop. Now we have to work on our errands and get them done before nap time. Time rolls on too fast these days. 6 weeks until the eminent arrival of Miss Emily. Not much done. Someone is enjoying the Dora house set up in the living room. Now to get moving. At least the stuff we had to do this morning is already done.

Another walk and other blathering

2010-04-19T20:47:00.003-04:00

it was about 1.2 miles and I did OK. it was definitely a stroll around Bryan Park. Beautiful flowers. I took pictures.

I really need to start walking every day. more so than I am now. it is as if it is in fits and starts. The worry is that a longer walk could bring on pre term labor symptoms. But i think as long as I do one or 2 miles I can stand 3.1 miles. I just need to be aware of the difference in how I walk... or waddle. luckily she is up very high so as long as I can get the kinks out, I don't waddle as much. but as the hips start spreading in these last 6-7 weeks it will be interest to see how it rolls. May 8th is the day and I look forward to doing the walk. I am not due for another 4 weeks after that. Doc said as long as it is not too hot.

Working on keeping my hydration levels up as well. very important, especially to keep plenty of amniotic fluid and give the girl plenty of room. Really hoping that my appointment on Thursday will go well. I look forward to it.

Now just focusing on eating well. not doing so hot of late. not enough greens. more sugar than normal... but it is what i am craving.

cravings... that's anothe story for another blog.

Walk

2010-04-05T07:20:00.002-04:00

I took a nice walk yesterday. Not six miles, but it was a walk with MM and Michael. On the way we stop and saw some friends and have nice chat and it was really nice to see them, as I hadn't seen them in a while. Then the kids wandered and I had to chase them down... so my visit was abruptly cut short.. but that was ok.

I need to walk more to keep my strength up and to help me sleep better at night. So MM and I will have to start walking after dinner. it will be good for both of us.

decisions

2010-04-02T08:28:00.001-04:00

hmmm good food that's cheap or expensive fast food?

I think I will choose cheap food from home and get something out for lunch... It would be too extravagant to do both.

Whole wheat toast with chunky peanut butter and banana.

And maybe some more coffee... :)

Finished the 10K

2010-03-27T21:55:00.001-04:00

57121
30587
18351
2279
1:18:07
2:33:20

My bib number, My place over all, Gender, Age, 5K and 10K time.
I finished.I am stiff and sore, but I finished.
Not bad for being 30 weeks prego.
Thinking about doing the Race for the Cure in a month. We'll see... that is only a 5k, but it has a mother of a hill at the end.

My brother said... "it is a nice day for a walk" and that is how I treated it.... and everyone, and I mean everyone, passed me by.

I finished last... and with the police escort that bring up the rear... it was funny. I came in LAST.... but I don't care. I did it.

So yay for me.

A favorite recipe

2010-03-20T16:48:00.000-04:00

Cheddar Rosemary Biscuits
2 c. flour
1 T. Baking powder
2 t. sugar
1/2 tsp. cream of tartar
1/4 t. salt1 stick of butter
2/3 cup of cheese, shredded
2/3 c. milk
2 T. chopped fresh rosemary, chopped fine

Mix dry ingredients together. Cut in butter until it resembles coarse crumbs. Mix in shedded cheese. Add milk and rosemary at the same time. mix until almost all blended then tun out onto a board, knead 5-6 times. Pat out until 2/3rd an inch. Cut with your favorite shape or a knife. Place on greased baking sheet (or parchment covered baking sheet) and place in 450 oven 10-12 minutes.

About that exercise thing...

2010-03-04T12:51:00.002-05:00

So I am going to seriously walk in the Monument Ave 10K... and I need to at least train a little bit... and I have not. It is 24 days away. I did 2 miles on the treadmill 2 weeks ago... and that was the last time I did anything, so I think I will take advantage of my little walking DVD tonight and do the 2 miles on there and then step up to the 3 mile. I have done it before, but I wasn't preggers at the time, either.

Not to mention my daughter has decided to give me her cold. She is so generous.

Did I mention I have to make bread for church and my sister is dropping in for a visit? I have to clean my house.... ugh.

One step at a time.

Exercise and not

2010-02-08T06:25:00.002-05:00

So I shoveled snow this weekend. At home and at church. I think I can count it as exercise. I am not fooling myself. i know I need to find the time to walk and be healthy. I am glad it is getting lighter each night. But the days are creeping up for the 10k and I am determined to walk it. So I need to plan and to exercise.

My health needs are to eat well, rest, exercise and drink lots of fluids. It is unfortunate that one of my favorite foods during this time of gestation has been ramen noodles. I have managed to quell it at times, but then I had it with some organic veg the other day and it was so good. My favorite is to get them all noodly and stringy and slurp them, but that would not be good. And yet, the rice noodles in the bowls at the vietnamese restaurants do not excite me. Ramen. yum.

The other one is ice cream. I love ice cream. It is a great thing. Especially Ben and Jerry's. But I do not eat the whole pint. I eat usually a serving. Sometimes it is just a spoonful or two. I just had heath bar crunch. Now i have cherry garcia, peach cobbler, and oatmeal cookie chunk. I was looking for chunky monkey and more heath bar. i do not think I would want to make it, i just want to eat it.

Now I need to get my items into my planner. I really understand the helpfulness of having it in one place and perhaps I will try that next year. I have a weekly planner and I have to try and use it. i wish I could find things I am missing. The table is a mess and I need to work on that. I guess that will be my project once I finish this here. Actually, I just want to go back to bed. Went to bed at 10:30 and awoke at 3 at 4 and at 5. I think I need a nap.

Early

2010-02-04T06:34:00.003-05:00

I left for work before the sun rose. I am at work, sipping coffee and tackling the TPS reports. They are in critical mode and so I am here without the distractions of other to work... And yet I am blogging. So this is a short post. I will be back later to tell you more about what is going on.

Silly Cat

2010-02-03T20:53:00.002-05:00

My cat loves milk products... Right now I am eating ice cream and she keeps poking her head up above the table for a taste. Usually I give her one. But today it is not for her. Coffee Toffee Heath bar crunch... cannot have it, not yours.

I do not get involved with communities online. We used to have a discussion group until one person just kept going off the deep end and making it miserable. So we stopped. Sad really. I read fark.com because it is funny, but I rarely contribute. On facebook I keep up with most of my friends and their status, but I stopped the games, because they were pointless. I was seriously logging in twice a day just to do zynga games. Now I have one that I do occasionally based on the educational aspect of it (the Everything game) but it is not an everyday thing.

The cat is now on my knee as I type this. She really wants me to go in and lay down so she can sit on me. My husband is waiting for me to come and sit down because we have not had a true conversation today.

So I will finish this up, put the rest of the ice cream back in the freezer and do as the cat wishes me to do... well, what she really wants me to do is give her some ice cream... but I think I will instead just go sit for her... and make a list of things I need to do and have for the weekend.

good toys

2010-02-01T07:55:00.003-05:00

One of the best things I have ever purchased was a wipe off dry erase Dora the Explorer book for MM to work in. She has used it all weekend and has been enjoying the being able to wipe it off and do it again and again.

Of course, I am still trying to figure out how she got a mark all the way across her forehead. Luckily, it worked out well and it comes right off.

There are lots of good toys out there and this is one of them. I am getting to despise ones that make noise. I do not think they help in development and learning.

But then, I am a snob about her development, and I really hate some of the crap on the Disney channel and I don't want her to watch it. I cannot control what she watches at daycare or at a friend's house. But I can control what is on here at home. With another baby coming, it is important to make sure I have age appropriate item on. We like to watch sports and I get concerned more about that, as they are not geared toward family friendly commercials but the 18-39 male category and it is horrid.

New system today and there is a lot to do... off we go.

Snow day, #2

2010-01-31T11:27:00.002-05:00

The bright white of the sun reflecting on the snow means there is no need for regular lights in the house. The sky is Denver blue, a clean clear atmosphere is making for fabulous contrasts both inside and out.

Soup is on the stove and I plan on making some good bread today. All the Christmas things are put away and I feel like I am looking at a new phase in our lives.

My good mood that is with me normally has returned. I am glad to be alive, glad for the life alive inside me and I thank God for the opportunities and love I have. I hope that I can share the good news of happiness and life. I want the negative to shed like a shin and be forgotten. I look up at the blue sky and it seems possible today. To begin anew, have new worlds to work towards and enjoy the ride. Life is about the journey.

Snow day

2010-01-30T12:41:00.002-05:00

When you think about snow days, you think about staying home from school, not having to go anywhere or do anything. The quiet solitude is a beautiful thing that makes for introspection.

Except when there is a 3 year old that will NOT STOP TALKING.

*sigh*

Now that she is in bed for her nap, I can relax... frst time since 5:30 this morning. My husband will disappear for awhile upstairs and this morning he stayed in bed until 7am. I was jealous. I usually wake up once or twice during the night. 3:30 there was no snow on the ground. 5:30, there finally was a dusting. Then, as we finally put the Christmas decorations away it started to snow heavily. And it hasn't stopped. The tracks from this morning are covered.

After breakfast, I dressed, went outside and put up suet, filled the finch feeder and refilled the regular bird feeder. I also put some on the ground. I think they got most of the seed prior to the snow hitting it and covering it up. Now the birds are a stark contrast to the white, hopping around on the ground, looking for items that have fallen, hanging upside down to get at the sock of finch food. I counted as many as 8 on the sock. I just put these up in January. I had them last winter and I got away from it as summer and fall stretched into winter. But when the snow fell in December, I started thinking that they needed to have somewhere to eat. So I went and purchased a new finch sock, and a new feeder. I also put new holders up to help me fill them quicker and easier.

The wind is picking up and blowing snow. This will make life interesting.

I cleaned off my car and had to move about the last time we had a good 10 inches of snow in December of 09. With the all wheel drive, I am more confident, but not cocky about traversing in the snow. Granted my gas mileage is terrible, but I am ok trading that off for that option. Especially when I am traveling to Ohio and the odd time I need it here in Virginia.

I think after I finish here I will relax for awhile and do one more project before the girl wakes up.

Doctors

2010-01-28T07:30:00.002-05:00

I seem to attach to a doctor and like them... probably far more than I should. I trust them... and I saw a doc yesterday that I didn't trust, didn't like and would prefer never to cross their path again. This one was part of an advanced team because I am labled "high risk" due my age and some chemical analysis that i am not privvy to. And if there is one thing I do not like, it is being annoyed by someone who thinks I am not smart enough to understand. i have had other doctors that I like and respect. But more and more, I look at some of the things and I say, I do not like that. I do not like how I am treated. Now, that doesn't change my risk factors. But tell me the other options, and give me the information. I can research and figure it out. I am not and average ordinary pregnant woman. I am not average or ordinary when I am not pregnant.

There have been 2 doctors in my time here in Richmond that I prefer never to see again. Sometimes I do not have that option... they just happen to be on call or something. But the last time I was physically in this woman's presence (3 years ago) I was not feeling friendly or scared. She annoyed me, she made me angry, she literally stopped my labor. I had been progressing along nicely until she came along. I then had to deal with her on the phone as well during this time. And she was not nice. I won't work with her again. i really could care less if she were the last doctor in Richmond. There is no way I would let her near me.

The person I saw yesterday, maybe. One meeting... I shouldn't project. But I was... annoyed. Not uncomfortable, but annoyed. I will end up seeing him again eventually, but if I don't have to, if I have a choice... no thanks.

Finally ... some exercise

2010-01-21T20:34:00.002-05:00

i did 2 miles on the treadmill at Gold's gym. My calves are still tight. I did ok. When I pushed it to 3mph it was too much so I kept it at between 2.5 and 2.8.

that was on Monday. I really would like to get into a rythym but I will take it as I can get it. Waking up late at night too, but not much I can do about that.

Feeling ok otherwise.

cravings and exercise

2010-01-12T07:45:00.002-05:00

I just wish i would crave exercise. i made a commitment to walk the monument avenue 10K. I am going to sign up for the Race for the Cure as well. Why do this when I am not so active and expecting a child? Where was my head?

Well, it will be the the 4th year for the RFTC and my 3rd year for the 10K. I really do not want to miss it. So I am looking at my options and I say, you know... it would be a good idea to exercise. It would only help me with my muscles. it would be a good thing. Less fat on my body means more room for the other stuff, like baby and all those squished organs. will I be running? no. Walking? yes. So I am making the commitment to do this. have I started? No. i wanted to work with the Wii fit and do the step stuff and then progress to the treadmill. As it gets warmer, I will walk outside.

the cravings I have are for salty things. Last night it was ramen noodles. most of the time it is salt and vineagar potato chips. I try not to pig out on those things and just keep them to a minimum if possible. The milkshake craving happened with MM but not with this one. it goes in stages too.

Time to get ready for work. Taking Mm to the dentist today.

The end of Christmas

2010-01-08T21:28:00.002-05:00

Epiphany was on January 6th, and I always wait until after Epiphany to take down my decorations. his year, I am sad to take them down, probably because it took me so long to get them up and I feel like I didn't get a chance to enjoy them. But when I went to "put out" the decorations that I has, I realized this house is just not big enough for my decorations. i want ot be able to put them in all areas, and unfortunately, that is not the case. And when you have a husband who worked in retail for 15+ years, he has no desire to decorate or listen to Christmas music at all. Makes for a lot of solo work. MM is getting to an age where she will be able to help... next Christmas. But it seems like a lot of work and no one enjoys it but me. Well, it did not feel like anyone shared the joy with me.

It was an odd Christmas and I am kind of glad it is over and we will see what this new year brings. But the good news is that I am working on the storage unit and getting totes and boxes OUT OF THE HOUSE and into the storage unit located about 2 miles from here. With any luck and a lot of work, we can clear out some of these things while we look for a new home and prep to sell this home. Am I ready to part with some of them? Yes. Right now? Possibly. But I feel like I want to get some new place and then start purging once I figure out space requirements. i have some silver that has been given to me. I have no desire to get rid of it at all. But I need to find some place to put it.

The one things I have more of than other things is a collection of ugly green pottery. I have tried to put it to use, but someof it is just. there. I have some attachment to it. But not a whole lot. I like some of it, Others I think I will sell if possible. martini glasses? I can't drink much anymore, but I would like to host a party and make some martinis for my guests. Lots of wine glasses. champagnes flutes from our wedding. gorgeous goblets from my first wedding. I get to wrap and pack all these items away. Will I ever bring them out again? We'll see.

I guess just like the seasons change and the world rolls and fluctuates we all have our time to wax and wane though items, through friendships. Here's hoping this go round the sun this year is smoother and not as exciting as the last. Yes, please, I would like a boring year. Thanks.

Poop

2010-01-05T07:36:00.002-05:00

Interesting thing it is... as a mom, i have to deal with poop all the time. As a mom to be, I know that there will be more in my future. So now I have a 3 year old who is potty trained on the water side, but when it comes to solid waste we are firmly in the dark ages. Last night we had an incident where we were in the tub and she went and tried to pick it up and put it in the potty... but she had been eating a lot of fruit, so OK enough visual. The fact of the matter is she was very upset and my husband went in and made her more upset. I tried to explain to him that we really cannot get upset about this and it is a learning process. So i had to calm her down and scrub her from head to toe. And sanitize the baby... etc. etc. etc.

So by the time I finish cleaning and sanitizing stuff... she had calmed down enough and we had some quiet time. Then she went to bed and woke up around 11 or so crying. I walked in the room and I immediately could smell it. She had a runny diaper and boy was THAT fun to clean. I set her on the changing table... she's half asleep and crying, and I am scrubbing her bottom. So this morning, she sleeps in late and now... what do I smell? yes... and it looks as if I will be staying home with her today, the 2nd work day of the year.... ugh. I mentally shrug... it is just poop, hopefully not from a virus, but from too much fruit and possibly citrus.

Soft addictions

2010-01-03T09:53:00.002-05:00

The front page article today in the Flairsection of the Richmond Times Dispatch spoke of soft addictions. Things that "fritter " time away. Things like Facebook, and My Space, computer games and TV or internet surfing. I am guilty of such things. The latest is Jewel Quest. A game I have played in the past and I am trying to master now. I was addicted to facebook for awhile, playing the Zynga games on there. But they bored me because there was no newness to them. I will tire of Jewel Quest eventually as well.

I think about the other things we get addicted to. Shopping, eating, exercising. These things are soft. Unlike the hard addictions of body/mind altering substances, porn, caffeine, smoking. These could kill you. These have a detrimental effect on your daily life should they be done in something other than moderation.

One could argue that the soft addictions have a way of effecting your daily life as well. Your project, or that paper you were going to write, the books you wanted to read, the interaction with your family are lost as you click, surf, and play. Human interaction is what counts in the long run. You will never have wanted to spend more time at the office, being jealous and angry or petty over intended or unintended slights. You will never have wanted to get to the next level on Mafia wars...(there is no highest level, as my husband pointed out... it is endless).

Ah but there are those of us who love to play games. Perhaps your partner does not like to play the logic games or the word games that you like to... but instituting a family game night or working a crossword together is a way to make an inroad. Just being with them and talking can make a difference. I love to play word games and logic games.

Now I have a list of things to do, but I think I am going to do one board of Jewel Quest before I do that. Then after I accomplish something, I will come back. Moderation. Moderation.

A resolution

2010-01-02T09:15:00.002-05:00

i resolve to exercise at least 15 minutes a day. it would be really nice to exercise and I want to waddle in the Monument ave 10k, and i will not be able to do that unless I start exercising. I am sure the baby won't mind.

It will take me forever to finish, but that is ok. This will be my third year and although I will definitely not beat my last year's time, as long as I am in it to finish I will be fine. Maybe I will even dress up this year. Something funny.

I want to listen to more music, so I started some playlist on Windows media. I will have to get them transferred over to the MP3 because the wee sing is driving me nuts. Right now it is a Buffett mix. I am enjoing it. I miss listening to music.

I have gadget envy. My hubby got the ipod touch and a blackberry for work. Jealous. :)

i will get over it.

Happy New Year

2010-01-01T09:18:00.002-05:00

I have not posted in awhile. News in my world is that I am expecting a child, a little girl, that is due in June. So the focus of my word is shift, yet again.

I am looking forward to spending some time with my brother and his family. Now I need to wrap some present for them.

Ciao for now.

Giving

2009-11-28T19:57:00.002-05:00

I love to give. I like to find cool things for peole. It does not have to be for a special occasion, it can be just because I saw it and I thought of them. So now, at the height of the shopping season there are gifts everywhere waiting for wrapping paper. I am in the midst of wrapping presents to take to Ohio and to church and I really want them to be the right gift for the right reasons. I went for two angels at work angel from the angel tree and one angel at church. I love to find the right things. I love shopping.

I just looked at our finances and those are not so hot. I am not behind the eight ball by any means, but it will be close for a while before it gets better. With a new baby coming, I need to be extra careful. My resolution is to not spend a lot of money in the next 8 weeks and see if I can reign it in. We put in some major money in my car and I was extravagant with my husbannds presents. My shopping is a little crazy. And I have a things for vests right now, it seems. The shopaholic books are too close to home, especially when I found two pairs of the same pants I had purchased for MM and I didn't realized I had purchased it. That is not cool.

I just recently purged my closet and I told myself I would get things I really liked. But now I have 6 fleece or something like that vests. I have three more dressy vests. I had to go back and amend the list, because I thought of more. That is almost 10 vests. That is a little much.

So right now I am getting ready to take my girl to Ohio and leave my hubby here for a week. In that time period, I have to get all the things together to wrap. I have to organize, label and get things ready for my return. All I can say is: are you kidding? All this stuff? But I must take care of this and leave the house in some semblance of order for the husband. So I pulled out some cool items for the angel people and I have a few things that I can put away for another time. Right now I feel like all I want to do is sleep because it seems like too much work, but it will work out and be done. I just need a system to be organized. Somehow.

Bills are being paid

2009-11-25T06:11:00.002-05:00

I just accomplished something major; I paid off a bill that I have had for many years. I paid it electronically and I am sure there will be some interest I may have to pay next month, but it will be paid. It is a major accomplishment for me and I was hoping that I would have some elation from it. It is a small victory when there are other bills that are mounting as well. I pay them, on time. I am by no means under water. I pay extra and things I buy on credit cards are paid off the same month. At this point, it is the amount that I buy that is the issue. that is another story for another day.

Thoughts

2009-11-21T12:34:00.003-05:00

I was reading a post over at Skinny Therese about vocational choices and weight loss. I think that people definitely starve themselves of the things they love and compensate with food. And the food is never enough, the shopping is never enough, the (place your obsession here) is never enough. Why do we search for such things? What are we missing in life that causes these things to happen?

I remember getting really depressed seeing the housing divisions spring up in places where farmland used to be. I have always wanted a home, but seeing that housing spring up, those "little boxes made of ticky tacky" didn't seem like home to me and didn't seem like a good investment. There is a part of me that is wild and outlandish and wants to break free and sail away, to hell with everyone else. But, you can only do that once and you can't go back once you do those things. I am not a prodigal son, nor do I see being welcomed back with loving arms. I see them holding me at an arms length, wondering when I will cut and run again. So I ignore that part of me and focus on the solid dependable foundation of house and home, love and family and my comfort resides there. The wild and outlandish part of me is overpowered by safety and assurance. It bubbles occasionally, but rarely does it get its way. It is more rare now than ever.

The sky looks like snow though we are too far south and it is too warm for that. I keep thinking about the time I will spend in Ohio (It snows a lot there) and I love it there. No, I love my parents... where ever they are. I have a fondness for Ohio, but I feel like my parents raised me in cocoon of middle class, of books and music, thoughts and ideas. I felt so out of place with most of my class. It will be interesting to see what they all are like when I return next year for the reunion... with a 1 month old baby in tow. The kids in high school all were interested in partying and hooking up and all I wanted to do was get out. I knew the world was bigger than Rootstown. Not to say I didn't get a darn good education there, that is not my point... but I knew there was more, and I wanted to explore it. The wild and untamed side of me I guess. There are people who still live there and that is fine.

The neighborhood I am in now is solid working class and that is fine, but I sense this area is not right for us. We need to be elsewhere. The house will go on the market and we will find our spot... eventually. Still in the Richmond area... but I think a little more in tune with who we are and what we do. I like to garden and C likes his ham radio, so they have to be compatible with that. At this point, I know there is a house out there that is waiting to become our home. Somewhere.

For right now, there are more chores to be done, I have things to get rid of... I am purging. It feels good. The guilt of spending the money is there, but I am trying to purge that as well. Clean closet, clean mind.

Curses

2009-11-15T13:36:00.003-05:00

Our sump pump as been going non stop for 3 days. We got a lot of rain, but not that much. Even then, the pump would cycle on and off. Well. I was getting very grumpy last night and said to my husband, just shut off the darn breaker. We couldn't find the breaker that shut it off (This was 1 in the morning, mind you). I asked him to try the main house breaker and that worked. We couldn't go through the night with out electricity so we flipped it back on and the sump rattled on again. While I was at church, he tested all the breakers, because you may miss something at one in the morning. None of them turned it off. Conclusion, pulled from the main line into the house.

Finally, my husband, C, had had enough. He donned a tyvek suit and crawled under the house. The line was tacked up to the underside of the floor, there was a j box and an outlet. There was the sump, plugged in with a cheater ground. So it was unplugged.

What kind of idiot:

doesn't run the item through a breaker for safety purposes and ease of repair.
hooks up a J box and an outlet for a piece of equipment that pumps water and uses a cheater grounding plug.
puts a sump pump in where it cannot be reached?

While I shake my head at this mastery of crap that is this new found item in our "house of wonders/horrors" it makes me wonder what kind of mental midget lived here before we did. I will not buy another house like I did in the past, with blinders on and not seeing this type of stuff. My eyes are OPENED. There a lot of things like that in this house and I wonder how the heck are we going to repair the damage of the screw ups and sell it to get our money back out of the house. *sigh*

Well, pooh

2009-11-10T21:06:00.002-05:00

I had such grandiose plans. I was going to go to the gym every week. I was going to go every day. What kind of fool am I?

My hips crave the exercise. I can feel the joggling. And yet, I do not go.

I guess my body is too busy creating life to worry about it, but my brain does.

I need to worry about that.

reformation day!

2009-10-25T07:31:00.002-04:00

I get to give my temple talk today and I am ready.... I think. I just need to make sure that MM is not there, so she will not disturb. Daddy will remove her to junior church. Yay.

I am teaching Sunday School, and I am looking for my rythym. I have not found it yet.

Shower, breakfast and get rolling. I wonder what I can check off on my list today.

I was considering going to the Highland Games with MM but we will not have enough time. It is sad, but I think I will just take her to a local park. Much, much cheaper.

Happy Reformation Day.

Random thoughts for temple talk

2009-10-20T06:16:00.003-04:00

The church has a firm foundation. Many years ago, a group of people decided there needed to be a church. They gave their time and committed money to make that happen. The church grew and the challenge of making the building grow with the church was needed and it again happened. The need for a second pastor was clear and again, the people of this congregation acted and we found a second pastor and made this happen. When we set our minds to it, this congregation can do anything.

As a member of the ELCA, we give to the ELCA in the form of benevolence to the Virginia synod. Benevolence means that the Synod sponsored events take place. We give so that events like Lost and Found can happen for the youth. What we give is received back multifold. We work together with other churches in this community. When we hold events like the Fall Festival and have Trunk or Treat and we see that the community benefits, our ministry resounds and echos in the Lakeside area. What we give is received back multifold.

right!

2009-10-16T06:40:00.003-04:00

I have been not blogging, again, still slogging around on facenook, realizing it is a time waster and yet still not giving it up. I will eventually.

I just found out I have way too much vacation time to take and I wish that I could fly with MM anywhere, but that taskes time and money. So I will take some time off and try to do some fun things.

This morning I hear my husband talking to my daughter and it is a beautiful sound. NPR is in the background, but it is pledge time.

I miss writing. I will have to do it more.

randomness

2009-08-18T21:57:00.003-04:00

I have been slothing around facebook, not exercising, not doing much of anything except watching MM grow. That in itself is edifying and I wish my temper were not so short. It just is sometimes. But the best part is that I haven't pigged out on food and I am losing a pound or two by not going crazy with the calories. I have my days.

I loaded my gym bag into the car... and i think about even just one day if I could get away from work or from home for an hour and a half to get in a decent workout...

My elbow is in regular pain now... just pain from typing and using the mouse. I did a cortisone shot and it worked immediately and wore off very quickly this time... it wasn't even 2 months.

My hips, the outer edges, have been aching... not where they meet at the femur, but up at the top... they ache.

My back has been ok but i had a brief episode yesterday.

I know that these would be eased if I were able to release some natural endorphines.

So I keep looking at my gym bag in the car... wondering if I will make it a priority in my life. If I can keep the eating under control, ad I start to exercise things will start to happen.

why yes I am still alive

2009-08-11T22:30:00.000-04:00

and yes, i do plan to keep blogging.

More in a bit.

Sloth continues

2009-07-12T09:45:00.003-04:00

They don't miss me at the gym. I do not miss the gym. I miss the time to focus on me... That is what i miss. Where I do not have to think about anyone but me... and I wonder why I have to do that in the gym and nowhere else. I am looking around me at the stuff and the clutter and I wonder how I am going to make that change and make it happen. I know what I want to do and want to be able to do. What is stopping me from following through and doing it? Does it seem so maddening and familiar? Is it the whole complete thing that gets me? Can I break it up into bite size pieces? What can I do to get this going?

Too long

2009-07-07T21:31:00.003-04:00

I have been too long away and fighting myself on many levels. I am trying to find peace. It's difficult. I want to make a difference. I want to change things for the better. My work is great because I get to think right now... and that is a godsend.

new book

2009-06-24T22:09:00.001-04:00

Evanovich, Finger Lickin' Fifteen.

*sigh*

I will be done with it in 3 hours, tops.

Headway?

2009-06-23T07:36:00.003-04:00

Headway. Does sweating count while cleaning in a warm environment? Is that like hot yoga? I am comfortable with my lovely laundry room and I spent time there last night, time that I could have been "exercising" but I was working up a sweat. The shelves hold their items and I have more to put on the shelves. I am making headway in my house. There are still many things to do to get ready for summer, and I am halfway there. There is still a LOT to do. I guess I will not be going to the gym for a bit.

Saturday excitement!

2009-06-20T06:56:00.003-04:00

Well, my list is made, and the hope is that it is a doable enough list so that I can really get something accomplished today. It involves a lot of cleaning and moving and such and I am really really hoping it will work. I am crossing my fingers. And then I will uncross them and get to work because it has less to do with luck and more to do with getting off my happy ass and doing it. Damn Nike and their "Just Do It!" slogan, but it the only way that things get done. You cannot expect to own a book, or a DVD or a weight set or a bowflex and expect it to magically melt fat off of you, make you feel better, or make you a happier, healthier person. It requires work.

I just found the peaches I bought more than a few days ago. They are quite ripe and a little past their prime. I salvaged what I could of them, and cut them up for this morning's breakfast. Now I just need to find my dining room table ... It is here somewhere under my laptop my papers and the list... guess I ought to add that to the list as well.

Sometimes

2009-06-18T07:45:00.002-04:00

there isn't enough coffee. Sometimes you need donuts. or a hash brown. But you can remain tall and stand up and say no, that is not part of my goals. I will eat something better.

Let's see if I can do that this morning, and make a change for the better.

Exercise

2009-06-16T21:16:00.001-04:00

Not cardio but I was sweating and working hard. Here's hoping it will mae a difference. All I am thinkingabout is rosemary foccacia... That is all that I want. YUM. Maybe I can make some tomorrow morning. Right now, I am wiped and going to bed.

Sunday

2009-06-07T09:55:00.002-04:00

Well the day has started slow and I am okay with that. breakfast was turkey bacon and egg white and a half of a piece of raisin bread. MM ate the other half along with her piece. Two cups of Harrod's tea from Englad. YUM. I just got rid of my old kettle and got a new one. I hope someone can use the old one.

We are going to church and then to the store. Then home for a nap. I will be going to the gym later for some cardio... but I have a summer cold and breathing is, well, difficult. Hopefully I can get my nails done after that. The full moon is today.

sweating

2009-06-06T15:36:00.002-04:00

when you sweat, does that mean that your body is working hard or that it is getting cooler? Or both? I did a lot of sweating and I am all salty. I cleaned out the attic, well, part of it. It seems I do not know how to stop shopping. It is a little crazy. I got all sweaty moving containers and boxes and luggin them down the stairs.

Then this morning, I held my yard sale and got all sweaty again when I set everything up and again when I took it all down and loaded it for goodwill. Most of it is gone, with the exception of a few things. But there are a lot of toys that are gone.

There are more things to go through, but that is enough for today. My body is still feeling the gym on Thursday. 1 hour of gym goodness. 20 min of cardio, the rest is cruches and a weight circuit. I will try to go tomorrow afternoon so that I can say i wen to the gym every other day for a week.

Food wise, I am trying to avoid sugar, and today I did not avoid fat, but sugar I was able to keep away. Hardee's Bacon Egg and Cheese biscuit. Muscle milk and 2 Kashi waffles for lunch. I have no idea what dinner will bring. Looking for protein, low fat, high fiber. Of course, I would kill for a banana milkshake. or banana ice cream. I think instead I will have a banana. Of course, I could have a milkshake, with frozen bananas and milk.... hmm...

life gets in the way...

2009-06-03T19:25:00.002-04:00

of plans sometimes. You plan to do this, do that, clean more, jog more, be nicer, do things for other people. But then something happens to get you out on another direction, a diversion from your best laid plan, and your train of thought gets derailed. Just like a derailment, it is not always easy to get back on the track. Lots of energy and focus.

I watched Groundhog Day the other day, and I really enjoyed the transformation of Phil Conners; he truly made a difference in people's lives and was redeemed.

My daughter is playing peek-a-boo behind the laptop. Time to pay attention.

derailed plans

2009-06-03T06:47:00.002-04:00

it is often how things work isn't it? Instead of a night of working out and sweating, it was a night of eating instead. My brother ordered pizza and he asked me to watch his children for a bit because there was a lapse of time from the time of one parent getting home to another. And just like that, the plans to burn 500 calories became the consumption of 1000.

Did I come home and work out? Nope. The consumption of calories overloaded my system and I was a mess. I did, rather, chug some Maalox. Darn pepperoni.

Sitting all day

2009-06-01T21:36:00.002-04:00

and eating all day. This has got to stop!

the difference is WHAT I eat. But I have to stop that habit, too. It is not a good habit to have. I will switch to tic tacs, 94% fat free popcorn, rice cakes. And perhaps I can break the habit. Somehow. I find if I drink more water I do better. I willl have to bring in another Nalgene type bottle to work.

Most of the day I felt sick... Eating too much... and too much junk.

Gym day tomorrow. Hooray!

Monday Morning

2009-06-01T07:38:00.002-04:00

Well, on the exercise front I did do a 10K walk this weekend. I am sure my caloric content was not in line with it, but it was the weekend, especially since I ate this wonderful pasta, sauce and corn for lunch Sunday. Wolf wolf wolf, and it was gone.

I am looking forward to this week and I am working through lunch today.

Sigh... I keep hoping that it will work, but nothing is working for me at all..... because I cannot seem to stick to anything. I am just roiling around like a blind snake looking for a cure. And there is no cure. All there is is WORK.

Physical labor

2009-05-27T21:22:00.002-04:00

Most people who do physical labor do not need to go to the gym. I am a desk jockey, except for today, when I was cleaning two cubicles of files. They are in order now... from 80000 to 87000. They weren't all there, but by the end of the day it felt like it. Numbers are easy when you have a system. I definitely have a system. It helped that the person before me, first, put most of them in order. That really helped. Second, I was able to stack them by number and then order those numbers. Paper files, some 2 inches thick made for a tough time and a definite workout on the arms. Halfway through the day I started getting sore from my workout at the gym the day before. I may lift on friday but I am doing a 10K on Saturday. Straight up walking, pushing a stroller through downtown Richmond.

Those who do physical labor are to be commended. it is hard work. I used to do it years ago. I am not afraid to do it and so I do it. It was tackled and overcome, especially with the knowledge that we will be moving these files out of the cubicles by FRIDAY and they may as well be straight to make packing and moving easier. I will dress down again tomorrow.

I relish the opportunity to think about the process of how we do it and come up with some ideas. we have the need to keep files from their date of last use, not the date they were closed out of the system. eesh. It will take some doing to figure it out.

Meanwhile, on the homefront, tomorrow is my hubby's birthday and we are going out to dinner, just the two of us. Shocking. We might have to find a place with cloth napkins... :)

Prop 8 thoughts

2009-05-26T21:40:00.003-04:00

I like being married. It is nice. My partner is my husband. I could call him my partner, but I call him my husband. When you are married, you get a tax break. Grown men and women who are living together in an intentional community with each other, who share heartaches and headaches and live their lives and pay their taxes do not get the same benefits. They do NOT get the same tax breaks. It is taxation without representation. Imagine saying to people, hey you, over there. You can take the tax credit for owning a house. You people? You cannot.

It is not my position to speak on moral questions. I have no moral questions about marriage. I am confident in my marriage. God is the one who will sort it all out in the end. Adam and Eve, Adam and Steve. Does not matter to me. Does it provide a "slippery slope"? Did interracial marriage do that?

We spend way too much time on things that really do not matter in the vast scheme of things.
In a world of 6 billion people, does it really matter? You may think it is a moral outrage, but how does it affect other people, that two private citizens who are of age decide to make vow that they will spend their lives together and receive the same rights and responsibilities that other people have??

Marriage is putting on paper what you feel in your heart. It is coming before your family and friends and saying, I love this person and I want to spend time with them to the exclusion of all others. I want to grow with them, learn from them, and let us leave the world a better place because our relationship existed. Surely that is something that God, in God's infinite wisdom, would want. Whether it is done in a church, or in a town hall, or in Vegas, the intention is clear. Who am I to stand in the way of someone's pursuit of happiness? I do not. I will stand with those who believe in equality before the law (especially the tax law).

Playing games

2009-05-26T21:21:00.004-04:00

I finally came back to the gym... I took my daughter and we went right after work. then we went to Chik Fil A for dinner. I started on the treadmill, but my knee went a little crazy, so I switched to the recumbent bike. Then I did a circuit on the machines, followed by 5 minutes on the elliptical... and I hate the elliptical, but I did it. i did 25 crunches and I need to do about 100 more tonight before I go to bed. I was really excited about working my back but I was very very careful.

I have been playing zynga games of late, which are interesting, but I am getting bored with them. I am bored with a lot of things right now. Too much computer time. One of the games is called Farm town and it is cute. You plant seeds and harvest them... I play this as my own garden grows unabashedly. I need to pick lettuce. So I think, why am I playing games and then lamenting about my unclean house, my garden, my daughter my husband, when i am playing games?

Not that there is anything wrong with playing games. I like playing games. I am playing too much. I sit in front of the computer all day at work and I sit in front of the computer at home. I do miss blogging, but what am I going to blog about, playing games? How boring... wait.... *rolls eyes*

I have been baking lately. I made a carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. I made a double chocolate thunder cake with chocolate buttercream icing. I made rosemary cheddar scones. I do like to bake. I think I would like to try my hand at some cream cheese rolls like I used to make. YUM.

I have found a couple of food blogs that I enjoy. http://foodiefarmgirl.blogspot.com is great and I enjoy it. it has great recipes and she is a sconehead. :) I read the simple dollar www.thesimpledollar.com and I have a friend or two that I read. I will have to post a list on the sidebar. I love my cousin; she is on facebook and I enjoy catching up with her after a long silence that was not intentional... we were busy.

i want to try to hit the gym again on Thursday and again on Saturday to establish some routine. I think that is what is missing in my life. I feel like I am floating sometimes. I do not feel focused.

Finally

2009-05-21T21:20:00.002-04:00

After a 12 day hiatus, I got back into exercise. I sit here blogging, still in my sweaty clothes. MM and I took a nice walk around the neighbohood, me pushing her in the stroller (MM is my daughter).

I will probably map it out on google maps, they have a tool to do so.

Then when I came home, I saw my husband sitting on the front steps, taking a break. The front yard was half done. I had him take MM into the back yard and I finished the front yard. By the time I was finished, I had definitely gotten a workout and my arms were achy. No, it is not the same as a gym circuit, but I got sweaty, none the less. And the yard is done.

I will be taking a DVD with me this weekend and I plan on doing it at least once... well one can hope. Here's to hoping.

well....

2009-05-17T21:21:00.004-04:00

i have been on hiatus from fitness. Not that I haven't thought about it... Not that I haven't been staring at cookies... My monthly visitor showed up two weeks early. It threw me for a loop and today I threw out my back along with some really nasty items from the refrigerator. I have not done anything physical other than play vampire wars on facebook.

On a side note. I did manage to get some annuals planted.

I made macaroni and cheese (homemade) and carrots and apple-peach crisp. I have not bothered to look a calories. I ate when I was hungry and tried not to eat when I was bored.

We will see how tomorrow plays out. I am definitely dressing down tomorrow.

Growl

2009-05-12T22:04:00.003-04:00

I want to lose weight. I will follow the mantra.... eat less ... exercise more. My personal trainer told me to write down what I ate. So I went a step further and counted calories. That will be a daily habit for me.... from now on.

I am going to pack my lunch so I have good decisions in front of me. I will have a healthy snack at my desk. I will drink 2+ liters of water a day.

And about that exercise thing... I resolve to make it to the gym more than once a week. I will run for 30 minutes and weight train and I will burn calories. I will do this.

So my goals are:

*pack my lunch
*exercise 3x a week
*count my calories

Whew!

2009-05-09T14:17:00.003-04:00

I am glad that the race is over. I pushed it hard and came up with a best time yet of 50 minutes. Yes, I ran that long... on purpose. When I got to the end, at the finish line, my head was pounding along with my heart and I ended up almost being sick. I had to lay down when we got home and rest. I have a feeling my blood pressure was a little high. Too much salt the night before.... but it was tasty!

I wish I could run faster, but I will settle with what I am doing right now and keep trying to improve. I did the 10K in March in 1 hour and 50 minutes, and this one was only a 5k. I did manage to start with an 15 minute mile, which I think is a personal best. The second mile, my time was 33:00 on the clock, which means an 18 minute mile. I was very glad to see that I was on track.

We started up the hill and that was tough. On the way up, I could see the signs from far away. four foot by six foot signs. Pictures of aborted babies. I kept my eyes to the ground and kept going. I was very angry. There were about 6 or 7 of them, it seemed. The people were peaceful, they weren't yelling or doing anything, but I was appalled.

This land is about freedom and freedom of expression. In order to finish this race, I HAD to walk by? I could ruin my stats and leave the race. They had every right to do that, but if my 2.5 year old daughter saw that, how am I going to explain it? I don't want my daughter to see that. She does not need to see that. I wouldn't show her pictures of the mutilation and death of war, why would I show her that? When she is 2 or 4 or 10. As a parent I try to do the right things and keep those images away from her when it is horrific to see what clearly looks like a baby all bloody and disgusting. She is too young to understand what it means. Was it impinging on my rights to raise my daughter without that image and to be able to peaceably run my race? There was a sign that also mentioned that abortion and breast cancer are linked. I looked at these signs and I thought to myself, I will never never never give money to a group like that. I am not an in your face kind of person. But it just lacked taste and judgement. It was clearly a downer. I was glad to get up that hill.

I ended up running towards the end and I got my medal and some water and a banana. Then I blew it all by going to burger king and eating a whopper Jr (no mayo) and fries... rats. Now I would like to go take a nap, but my daughter will be getting up soon from hers. No rest for the tired cause certainly don't feel wicked.

Here's to beating breast cancer.

Running!

2009-05-06T21:12:00.003-04:00

I am so pleased that I was able to push it hard tonight and get a 5K done in less than an hour. That is good for me, but I did not get the exact time it took me. About 2.5 miles into it, my foot started tingling like it was falling asleep. It was a weird sensation, but I pushed through it and kept going. Not satisfied to coast, I rolled it up to 5.0 to keep it going. I pushed it hard for the last minute and a half and got it done in about 52 minutes. (I had to walk part of the way because I pushed it hard enough that I had to catch my breath.)

Then I came home and ate the other leftover pieces of pizza, about a serving and a quarter. (we cut them into 8 pieces rather than 6.) I am hydrating (drinking a liter of water) and I made sure to drink a liter and a half of water while at work. Half a Lance candy bar (peanut yumminess).

To go along with that, I ate about 1100 calories before I left work. I had the best lunch today. 8oz. of chili over a baked potato, and the killer ingredients, sour cream and cheese. I also grabbed slivered carrots from the salad bar while I was getting the cheese. the carrots provided a crunch and I sprinkled the cheese over the potato, added the carrots then poured the chili over top. I dolloped the sour cream (only 1 oz.) over top. Deliciousness!!! Add random chocolate and a Kashi bar for breakfast. Good day! Estimated amount for the day, about 1600 - 1700 calories.

quick post

2009-05-06T07:44:00.002-04:00

I didn't think I had allergies, but the pollen count down here in old Virginia will be enough to lay anyone out. The whole family is down. Claritin and Benedryl. Yay.

I am in the midst of packing my gym bag so I can get there tonight and get in a run to be ready for the Saturday race.

The good news is my foray into drinking has left me with no appetite and a shruken stomach, not to mention a acid worn esophagus. Wait, that is not really good news. I curbed my pizza intake to 1.5 servings of pizza. That is a good thing.

I also hit the gym on Monday to do a light workout of cardio and some weights. I did crunches and I still feel it. But I know that will bring back my stomach from post baby, post job stress and post depression status.

I really need to keep my focus. It's hard.

Learn Something New Every Day...

2009-05-03T07:25:00.002-04:00

I wasn't sure what "tie one on" meant. As usual, when you go for the excess and the extreme... like I do... I probably tied three on. There are worse things.

Idioms: tie one on

Idioms
Become intoxicated; go on a drinking spree. For example, They went out and really tied one on. The precise allusion here--what it is one ties on--is unclear. [Slang; mid-1900s]

tie one on from www.urbandictionary.com

To get drunk or start drinking before the hang over from last night has worn off. Thus having something to "tie onto" To tie one drinking session to another before the effects/consequences of the last have expired.

Guy 1: Hey, what's going on there?
Guy 2: I'm hungover as heck, they had quarter pitcher night at Jake's last night.
Guy 1: So you're just going to hang out?
Guy 2: Heck with it, lets tie one on.
Guy 1&2: *Crack open beers and commence drinking*
by QWERTY1 Apr 19, 2006 share this

A lesson learned

2009-05-03T07:07:00.004-04:00

I went out on Friday night and drank my dinner with some friends. I paid for it... not as a friend of mine did at the restaurant. No, I went home and was very sick. My husband said he could smell the alcohol coming out of my pores. That, my friends, is having too much to drink. I was smart and had someone drive me home. But I did not truly make it up and out of bed until about 2 in the afternoon. That is a day wasted. What a drag. I finally ate something at about 6pm... does that mean I am sort for that days calories? What's that you say? Oh, yes well I guess I did overindulge a bit. I was ready to go to the gym yesterday and run and finish it off. I think I actually need some sauna time to finish the job... I think MM and I will hit the "play place" this afternoon. It seems wet and rainy, though I think it is supposed to be hot.

I do know one thing for sure. I will NOT be doing that again. It was to excess and I am trying to avoid that. I do not want excess. Moderation. I ate to excess and it got me where I am weight wise. I do not want to drink to excess because it really isn't any fun... sure it might be when you are there, but the afteraffects just SUCK. So that is enough of that for me. I will still have a drink or two... I will still help kill a bottle of wine... but anymore than that just isn't where I am trying to take my life. I am trying to be better about how I treat my body and the things and people around me. This really didn't help that cause. But now I know.

Whew!

2009-04-29T22:35:00.002-04:00

So I went to see the personal trainer today and I am sure I will feel it tomorrow. So tonight after work I went and got a pedicure and it was lovely. I read my book and didn't think about anything else.

Eating wise, I had a big breakfast and I hit Chik fil A for dinner. No lunch. Still I did about 2000 calories with the 576 calorie milkshake and a grilled chicken sandwich. Worth every single slurp. It was yum a licious.

the PT said I should be lifting weights 3 times a week. Does bench pressing a 2 year old count? Schlepping her in and out of the car? Running after her? The trainer works me out with weights and then tells me to do 30 minutes of cardio, but it was my lunch hour and I had to shower. I did a mile.... but I was moving.

I was very proud that I did a 16.5 minute mile. I am trying really hard to learn how to run and I would like to be able to get that time down. Perhaps as my lungs expand and I keep on practicing. I was pushing it... but I only had to slow down for part of it. That was exciting to me. I will get there eventually. But my legs were not the happy campers today... where is that tylenol bottle?

is it really Tuesday?

2009-04-28T23:24:00.003-04:00

So I took a hiatus because I was away and busy making things happen for a project that was very important to me. It involved sampling walnut cookies, and they were tasty. Now that the project is behind me I can focus on my goal of trying not to die tomorrow at the gym with my lovely trainer.

Food wise, it has been up and down, with not much for will power, though I have tried not to be foolish. Of course, I did just have a nice serving of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Country Peach Cobbler is fantastic. YUM. Notice I said serving. Not a freaking pint. a half a cup. yes... i do not deny the wonderful pleasures in life that make it worth living. What is the use? I will find some way to make it happen... today I chose to rock in the hammock with my girl, eat parsley and asparagus straight from the garden and sigh contentedly.

Tomorrow is another day... Oh and the reason we didn't hit the gym tonight? Mommy forgot to pack her gym shoes... what a shame, right? Well, there is always tomorrow!

Miss me?

2009-04-26T21:32:00.003-04:00

I was away in NOVA (that's Northern Virgina for the rest of y'all). It is difficult to eat well but I tried. I managed not to overeat, which is good, but I did not get to exercise, which is bad. Not to say that I didn't sweat, cause it was HOT, hot up there, just as it is here in Richmond. I was very warm, wore few clothes and still was ahem, sweating like a pig with swine flu. I was WARM.

I managed to have some fun and MM had an interesting time with her dad at the Thomas event. I did not go, and I should have, and next time, well, let's say, I will do it differently. I went shopping instead and found a couple of things for work, which is great. Not that i can't go shopping in my closet, but I still have a couple of dress sizes to drop before that becomes a reality.

I notice that everything I bought would work well as a maternity dress too. No, nothing to report on that front. I will have to curtail running if that happens, unless I can get my base and get my body happy prior to that blessed event coming along.

But I did do some gardening today and planted flowers, so that is a good thing. I made pasta primavera with shrimp and managed to eat well, but not overeat. it was a lot of veggies and a little shrimp, some spaghetti and a olive oil/ butter sauce. Oh, don't freak out. 1 T of butter per serving, relax. I would say 2 T tops of fat per serving with the EVOO and butter... between 20- 24 grams of fat (4g per t of fat) but who actually measures the EVOO they put in the pan? Not me, but I can guesstimate. I will definitely say that my primavera was more veggie than pasta. Tomatoes, squash, zucchini, onions, garlic, and carrots. YUM.

Perhaps tomorrow I can get to the gym for a workout. I would like to at least do some cardio. I bet MM would like some play place time.... I will just make sure she gets a bath in hand sanitizer when she is done.... (just kidding!)

It's FRIDAY

2009-04-24T05:38:00.002-04:00

wooooo! Yesterday I was doing really well and then I ate 3 mini bags of MnMs right in a row. Ack. But I managed to contain myself and munched on baby cucumbers and carrots in the morning and then has a lovely quesadilla for lunch scarfing up the salsa and leaving most of the sour cream. The afternoon was more carrots and and cukes and trying like hell to avoid the candy bowl, which I avoided it for the most part then had the episode I mentioned. At this point I am just trying to avoid it. But how does one avoid the team lunch at Mexico? i ate breakfast already (bowl of good cereal) and I look forward to chippies and salsa, tacos and tamales. YUM

I should really be exercising now, but the upper body is still recovering and I am tired, despite a cup of coffee and cereal.... all I want is to go back to bed... yes... that is what I will do.

Sweet Jesus, help me

2009-04-23T07:46:00.003-04:00

Day 2 after the workout and OMG, the lactic acid build up is incredible and so is my facial expression everytime I move. Ack... I need to find a way to get myself dressed today and get to work... ouchy ouchy ouchy...

Things to remember:

I brought this on myself.
I wanted a stronger body.
Where is the freaking Tylenol?
If I don't eat it will go faster, right? (awww, who am I kidding?)